It’s been a week since Michael Jackson shuffled, or more likely moonwalked, off this mortal coil. And in that time, I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen so many networks, family members, websites, newspapers, magazines, etc pimp out a celebrity so hard and so fast (that will be the only time on this site you ever see “so hard and so fast”).
But who am I to disagree with the whoring of a musical legend’s legacy before his body is even buried 6ft under? For those out there looking to cash in, feel free to borrow any of these:
King of Pop soda – Comes in two flavors: Thriller Vanilla and Groin Grabbingly Grape. No longer affiliated with the citrus drink Jackson Five Alive.
Billie’s jeans – You’ll know the kid is not your son; pants so constrictive you’ll lose your ability to reproduce!
One Glove Love: the left-handed glove store – Are you germaphobic AND left-handed? For those southpaws who tire of washing one hand repeatedly.
Neverland ranch…yeah, I could see marinating a chicken in that
Black or White cookies – No longer segregated to alternate sides of the cookie, MJ’s desserts are a swirl of black and white sugar together. Side effects include an uncontrollable urge to smash up a car, turning into a black panther, and shapeshifting into other races/genders.
“Bubbles” gum – It’s exactly what you think it is: gum that tastes like a monkey. Coming soon: Chimpanzee flavored.
Neverland Ranch Dressing – The salad dressing for the middle aged who refuse to grow up, perfect with Elephant Man baco-bits.
Smooth Criminal Shaving Gel – For the discriminating gentleman with an anti-gravity lean. Nick yourself? There’s a surgical mask included to cover up!
Moonwalkers – Kids love Heelys, the sneakers with the roller skates built in, but they just haven’t been reckless enough…until now. Why let some sneaker tell you that you have to go forward, when you can skate wildly backwards down the sidewalk, crashing into old folk and lampposts alike. Not recommended for hemophiliacs.
July 5th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
That certainly won’t be the last time we use the word “pimp.”
How about “Bad Boys: Remastered,” inserting stock footage of Jackson in place of Martin Lawrence in the 1995 action flick (fake critic quote for the package: “The Fresh Prince and the King of Pop as cops can’t be topped!” -Variety) because nobody wants to see Martin Lawrence anymore unless he’s in a fat suit (and even then, only if Eddie Murphy isn’t available).