With the release of the new iPhone 3GS, Apple has also upgraded their software for iPhones across the board, mostly so that you can spend $200-$500 on new hardware to enjoy a smug sense of superiority over people with the same software on a year older 3G phone. Big effin’ whoop.

What isn’t widely publicized are some great features and fixes that were pushed with this new recent incarnation of the hellspawn from Apple’s dark altar. For all the techies out there, here are some secret easter eggs and tools you can find in your new phone OS:

I’m not ‘mad’ at you, I’m just…very disappointed.

• Gives you directions to that farm upstate where you can find all the pets your parents have sent away since your were 8 years old. Except your cat, skittles. Your dad euthanized him with a shovel.
• In an argument, the phone can be queried for the wittiest retort to any and every insult your ex may say to you. They include “Yeah? well you’ve got a fat ass” for men and “I fucked with your brother” for women. It would have been “You’ve got a small penis” for the ladies, but upon hearing it Steve Jobs fumed “That’s not funny” and quickly stormed out of the room…
• Should your home computer be a PC, the 3.0 OS will resolve many previous compatibility issues (it no longer threatens to “sic an actual snow leopard upon you” for running Vista)
• The new people finder tool will search for all members of your 2nd grade class, most notably your bully John Parker. On top of that, it will fake several emails concerning health insurance fraud to his boss to get him fired while simultaneously ruining his credit, forcing his wife to divorce him and take the children. Under mountains of debt, he will work the red light district as “Dixie” until gambling arrears to the mob catch up with him. As the noose around his neck tightens, he will dangle from the ceiling with the last words he hears coming from your phone softly whispering “that’s for pegging me in the head during dodgeball.” (Note: OS 3.1 will have a bug fix that remembers it was actually Rob Rosen who tagged you out.)
• Among the other fantastic bar resources, an app on the phone takes the number of drinks you’ve had so far, your weight, the last time you got laid and several other factors to calculate if you’re drunk enough to take home the ugly girl at the end of the bar.
• Hate having to remember to obsessively check your phone every 5 minutes? Your new OS will ring, buzz, blink, vibrate and make every effort to annoy the living crap out of everyone within a 10 meter radius so they know how important you must be to stay ever vigilant with incoming messages
• Speaking of reminders, the iPhone has an app that points you in the direction of Steve Jobs’ house so that those of The Faith may pray to “Mac-ca” 5 times a day.
• Lastly, the most crucial feature of any iPhone is its use as a status symbol, something to clearly denote to all around you “I’m better than you”. With that in mind, the iPhone actually has the ability to find all the people that you’re superior to. Unfortunately, since you’re using a fucking phone to determine your worth, the answer is always no one (other than your equivalent iPhone super-douches)

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