Sometimes I really love getting the ads at the top of my Gmail account because they can just be so ridiculous. I think today brings me my new favorite: “Don’t Get Conned. Learn the facts behind cruel Donkey Basketball!”, brought to you by none other than your friends at PETA and certainly on the forefront of any concerned individual’s mind. Japanese whaling, puppy mills/dog fights, even possibly carnivorous diets could warrant a Google ad, but oh no, they take it to the hoop, as it were.

The “conned” part might be the key, as this of course brings up several questions: Is there a secret coalition whose sole mission is to brainwash people into riding donkeys for sport (a burro-cracy of evil?), or merely carnival barker types, complete with candy cane striped shirt, prop cane and snidely whiplash mustaches ever-twirling? Perhaps they mean Donkey Basketball is a bastardization of a more proud and noble sport like Donkey Soccer, and to be tricked into forcing such creatures to abandon their traditions besmirches its purity. Donkey Pele would not be pleased.

That said, maybe we can change PETA’s mind, if we could only make this some kind of sport you couldn’t help but love (I know, Donkey Basketball is a great start, but these people also love plague rats, so who the hell knows). Anyway, here’s my take on some mules rules for the sport:

I tried searching for an image with Donkeys and Midgets, but it would have been a very different post

• You think basketball players on donkeys and think “Man, Shaq would crush them”. So you don’t go bigger, you go smaller. Not Lebron, Lil’bron. Better still, you could probably fit a small team of little people on each donkey, perhaps 2 or 3 per animal, like a viking fleet. Helmets required, but they must also be horned.
• So you’ve got your midgets, but what’s better than 3 midgets riding a donkey? 3 drunk ones! Boozed up athletes, midgets ones mind you, are the best kind. Performance enhancing drugs? Who needs ‘em. I could watch a midget passing out off a donkey for hours nonstop.
• Taking it just a little further, at least one athlete on the court at all times must be high, so if he falls off we can all laugh and say “That midget is stoned off his ass”.
• While I don’t condone violence to animals (see that PETA?) I do believe people hurting each other is fucking funny. What I envision is some sort of Thunderdome-like Blaster Master situation, where the donkeys are the big huge dude and the riders clad in armor atop. Jousting Midgets? Yes. Possibly even small nerf cannons, but only for the Western Conference, as the Eastern will have no projectiles.
• For the half-time show, why not include a chorus of spider monkeys, perhaps clad in cheerleader outfits, doing a little routine, pooping along with the donkeys. Or hurting everyone there. Which they almost certainly would.
• The referees will be washed up American Idol contestants, scraping to get by on what charm they have left, mostly musical “talent” who can then be denigrated further by singing along to said monkeys show. What I wouldn’t give to see Clay Aiken serenading some chimps…
• Foul shots will be completely eliminated. Instead, after each infraction, an athlete will attempt to bounce off a trampoline and dunk his/herself through the hoop, with style points attributed to form, grace and any sweet moves they can pull off en route.
• Finally, because this is a) getting out of hand and b) almost too bitchin’, my last suggestion would be team names. Fuck the Minnesota Timberwolves, I want to see the Teen Wolves (barring legal recourse from Michael J. Fox and to a lesser extent Jason Bateman) along side the Miami Evil Dead, the Detroit Robocops (it’s not like they’re making cars anymore) and the San Jose Enhanced Interrogators. Expansion teams soon to follow.

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