As my esteemed and belligerent colleague Will has mentioned, I shall soon be married. Forever. ‘Til death do us part. Or at least until Leno is back on the air (she’ll Jaywalk out on me by then after she learns that, even though I said so in my vows, I can’t actually move the stars in Heaven for her and, in fact, can’t even move her car properly…stupid stick shift). What’s more is I’m taking the plunge without a pre-nup, which is as advisable as cleaning a loaded gun or trying to write a report on evolution using only a Kansas public library as a resource (the catch is Kansas doesn’t have libraries, though the state does claim to have a largest collection of Archie comics in the country). Is it for love? Yes, partly. Is it to fulfill a long-standing desire to drive around with cans attached to the bumper of my car? Well, that certainly influenced my decision. But it is also to rub it in the faces of gays nationwide who, eager as they are to have their unique bond with their partner recognized by our society and government, do not want their special celebration of love and commitment tainted by having it take place in Iowa. While it’s true that weddings can be boring, somber, fate-sealing affairs, tying the knot doesn’t have to feel like tying the noose. Here are a few ways to turn a mundane matrimony into a memorable one:

Power forward thinking. Long processions, usually accompanied by off-key organ music, are viewed by those attending as the beginning of a painful exercising in paying attention or at least not snoring audibly. Especially if your ceremony takes place in church. People have a tough enough time staying awake in church as it is, when God’s love is the topic and not the bride and groom’s love. What’s needed is a rousing introduction to get those gathered pumped and on their feet. Announce the bride, groom and wedding party like it’s a playoff basketball game. At groom, standing six-foot-one from the University of Arizona, in his third year of the relationship, the pride of Phoenix, “Jammin’” John Smith! Bonus points if you have trading cards made of everyone. You’ll want to stay away from boxing-style intros, because they list a person’s weight and no bride in the history of the world is willing to share her weight on the day of her wedding. It is a secret she will take to her grave and if Peter asks her to reveal it at the Pearly Gates, she may still refuse.

Wake in cake. Let’s face it, having a stripper spring out of a cake for the bachelor party has become a cliche. Still, the idea of someone emerging from inside a dessert is a good one, it just needs to be tweaked. For starters, the stunt needs to be moved to the big day. If the gag is great, wouldn’t you want the most possible people to see it? Second, scrap stuffing a stripper in there. Isn’t it better to humiliate a friend more than a stranger — even if the stranger is sexy? You need to place the “winner” of the bachelor party in the cake (i.e. whoever got the drunkest). Cake cutting will now take place whenever your hungover buddy rouses from his soused sleep, adding an element of surprise to the proceedings. Bonus points if your bachelor party is not the day before your wedding, if you chose someone with Poe-like fear of being buried alive, and if you manage to fit a couple (one attending the bachelor and one the bachelorette who are dating) inside the cake.

Soda pop the question. No event will make you feel the financial crunch more than a wedding. Even if you planned for a modest affair and did everything in your power to spend no more than the amount set aside, it is a rule of nature that you will have gone over budget by $7,500. Sure you might receive a few checks from relatives, but those won’t off-set the costs. If you want to make some money from your matrimony, you need to consider corporate sponsorship. Nothing pays the bills like product placement. For instance, have your wedding bells provided by Taco Bell. Ask Uncle Ben (not your real one who’ll complain, no matter what is served, that wedding food makes him gassy) to supply the rice for guests to throw. Work it into your vows. Nikita, you’re a bonita senorita. Now let’s go grab a gordita! Or: I do…the Dew! (best used for “extreme” weddings only, like if your ceremony occurs on a cliff, slope or ramp)

Churches all booked? Consider a ceremony in a Churchs.

Flower power. Before Beyonce recorded “Single Ladies,” at a reception all women without partners had to look forward to was the prospect of shrimp cocktails, making scornful remarks about how the bride’s brastrap was showing throughout the ceremony, and, of course, the bride tossing her bouquet to them. More times than not the throw is lousy, no clean catch is made and the bouquet is picked up off the ground. If a lady really wants the flowers, she’s going to have to earn them. Invite a former college softball pitcher (or that girl at the gym who seems to enjoy the eliptical) to hurl the bouquet into the crowd — while it’s in a vase. If it’s a Jewish wedding, any resulting broken glass is no problem, you just took care of two traditions at once. The ritual states that the gal who catches the flowers is next in line to marry, but when? Let’s eliminate the uncertainty by speeding up the process. Make whoever nabs the flowers have to get hitched the next day. As a double-whammy, the bride and groom get to pick the partner. If the women in question shares a name with a type of flower (e.g. Rose, Violet), she must marry immediately after the current reception is over. Bonus points if the lady is forced to marry an ex who is a mutual friend of the bride and groom. Additional points if the man selected is wearing a pastel color tux or a bolo tie.

Dance dance retribution. These ideas are all well and good, but what about one that sticks it to the bride and groom for making you spend money on travel, clothes and a gift, not to mention the future cash you’ll have to shell out on therapy or dating hotlines to try and avoid being single at the next wedding you attend? Switching the music for the first dances (father-daughter, mother-son, and bride-groom) will elicit chuckles at the couples’ expense. There are three levels: weird, inappropriate and obscene. An example of weird: We know Mr. And Mrs. Perfect picked a classic slow ballad, but what if ska or thrash metal suddenly came through the speakers? Imagine Sinatra turning into Save Ferris or Static-X. For inappropriate, swap Stevie Wonder for R. Kelly. Bonus points if you do it for the mother-son dance. Few things are more embarrassing than an implied Oedipus complex. If you’re feeling particularly vindictive and choose obscene, you need only remember these three words: 2 Live Crew. The rest of the night, the guests will be so distracted by the music mishap they won’t even notice that your every dance move is just a slight variation of the Macarena.

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 11th, 2009 at 11:24 am and is filed under headlines. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.