We might need one of these for Marc by the end of the night

Our boy Marc is getting married. As such, he needs a proper send off before married life, and apparently this crazy sonnuvabitch thought it’d be a good idea to let me plan his bachelor party out. Seriously? Not since a miscommunication led Hannibal Lecter to act in “Cannonball Run 3″ (the food service people were very confused by the orders) has there been such a horrific miscast of personalities.

Since my only concept of bachelor parties to date comes from what I’ve learned from tv and movies, I was having a little trouble planning this out without it ending in a) the hostile takeover of a foreign nation, which would certainly end in our public executions or b) doing a bunch of coke lines off Marc’s grandma (I asked, he didn’t approve). Then it hit me: make it like a drunken scavenger hunt! It’s also important to mention his fiancee occasionally reads this blog, so I send my sincerest apologies in advance and will not be offended when my invitation is rescinded.

As with any scavenger hunt, clearly I need some kind of point system to properly gauge how to throw this little shindig of his, with one goal in mind: how far can we go without having his fiancee call off the wedding? I think if we hit the “slight hesitation before the I-do’s because of his derelict friends”, then I’ve done my job. With that said:

• For every buddy that lands in jail, add a point. If the ensuing police chase crosses state lines, add another. Should it cross into Mexico, pray your buddy knows enough Spanish to ask where the nearest toilet is.
• A point for acquiring each of the following kinds of strippers: under 4ft tall, over 400lbs, missing more than 3 teeth, missing any limbs. Should you “Connect Four” and hit all of these with one stripper, double the points.
• While said strippers perform, subtract a point for missing any of the key stripper songs: Def Leppard – Pour some sugar on me, White Snake – Here I go again, Motley Crue – Hot for Teacher (Edit: Van Halen did Hot for Teacher, Motley Crue did Girls, Girls, Girls, which I amazingly forgot. Double epic fail)
• Give 1 point for every one of the bachelor party attendees who marries a “crazy stripper wife”. Double points if he was already married.
• For any remaining body glitter that the groom still has on his face during the wedding, a point
• For every time you play “Bust a Move” while in a limo, add a point, with an additional one for every time you punch your friends in the jeans when they sticks their head out the sunroof. Only chicks may do that.
• Add a point for each shot taken within 10 minutes of the wedding, 2 points for each during the walk down the aisle, 3 points if you get the minister or any parents involved.
• For every animal freed from a local zoo, 2 points for every animal ridden to the ceremony, -1 if the flower girl is eaten.
• Tattoos are for pussies. 1 point for every one of your friends you brand with a hot iron. Nothing says “remember that bachelor party” like seared flesh.
• Any disputes must be settled by betting on stripper hot oil wrestling/foxy boxing. It doesn’t matter who you pick, everyone wins. I highly suggest starting fights simply to resolve them. +1 point.

Finally, everyone involved in said bachelor party needs to chip in to really make the night special, so I’ve come up with a few roles to pass along to friends, with the groom assigning points at his leisure:

Beer Baron: The man of the hour, the groom himself. All he needs to do is wear a fancy hat that says “Look at me everyone, I’ve got a new hat!”. And probably vomit on himself.

Prank Monkey: Always an invaluable role, whether serving a fake presidency or a simple bachelor party, the PM stirs up shit and then getting the hell out of the way before it hits the fan.

Shot Ref: Let’s be clear. You don’t need to drink to have a good time, but fuck if it doesn’t help sometimes. Clearly, a power to be abused, for sure, but we all know, with great power comes great responsibility. Too drunk too fast, not drunk enough, liquor-then-beers, all are important variables to keep in check. Really for experienced drunkards.

The Colonel: Really, I just want someone around I can refer to as that, maybe wear a large white hat and an obscene belt buckle. When things go awry, though, you need someone to put people in their place. Other drunks in the bar ruining your good time, collisional bachelorette parties, nosy law enforcement, you name it. Just point ‘em to the Colonel.

The Bullhorn: Your level of fun is only relative to the number of people knowing you’re having fun, hence the Bullhorn. You walk into a bar, you want every fucker there to know you’re raging. He should be the first guy yelling when The Boss comes on the jukebox and the last voice you hear when you get kicked out of the bar.

The Black Ops Useful in any situation where you go out with a bunch of dudes, the Black Ops are individuals highly trained in covert espionage and counter-tactics when dealing with the enemy (you know, women). You have a group of 7 or 8 girls, you don’t just send your infantry to be picked apart, oh no. These dive bar assassins divide and conquer, like drunken warrior poets. That said, you do not consort with these hobgoblins during daylight hours and should you be questioned by females, immediately disavow all knowledge of them.

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