I apologize for my absence. I was headbutted by Kiefer Sutherland, not for saying something snippy to Brooke Shields, but having a non-pasty pigmentation, he mistook me for a terrorist. He’s a true method actor (translation: a-hole). In fact, he’s so committed to his Jack Bauer character, he purposely set out to get those DWIs as research — he thought they stood for “Doing Worthwhile Interrogating.” It took some time for the effects of the concussion to subside, but thankfully not enough brain cells were lost in the tussle to make me start watching “24.” The point is, it pained me to be gone, and while Keifer was protecting a pampered celeb, the President was protecting our government by declining to release photos of prisoners abused by the U.S. military. What other information is Obama keeping from the public?

Obama thinks the images will make people shutter.

Joe Biden is already ahead of Dan Quayle on the official vice president’s gaffe tally.

The exact number of teaspoons of mayo in a Big Mac’s special sauce (he is considering selling this secret to Burger King if they will agree to confer upon him regal status).

The FDA’s plans to inject Simon Cowell with swine flu as an excuse to deport him. Fellow judge Randy Jackson is slated to be bit by a rabid Rotweiler, at which point he will almost certainly exclaim, “That mad, diseased dog is mad diseased, Dawg!”

Much like Wolverine, his own bones are infused with adamantium, which helped him literally claw his way to the top. Secret Muslim? No. Secret mutant? Most definitely!

Knows the GOP, in hopes of luring young men to the party, is trying to organize a McCain-Palin wrestling event — between daughters Meghan and Bristol (it will be billed as a Michael Steele cage match).

Thanks to new intelligence uncovered by the CIA, has the answer to the decades-old doo-wop question, “Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop.” All he can reveal at this time is that it was not the same person “who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip.”

John Madden retired not to focus on his family, but so he could spend more time with Brett Favre (the famous Madden bus is no match for Madden’s buss).

His American Express gold card is actually 24-karats.

Had a tough time deciding who to appoint to the secret postion, Secretary of Infidelity: Bill Clinton or Eliot Spitzer.

Before allowing him to become a Democract, personally hazed Arlene Spector by forcing the Pa. Senator to swallow a goldfish and mow the White House lawn in women’s underwear.

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