Already tired of this story hogging the headlines? Here are some simple solutions to prevent a pandemic. (Will, sorry to piggyback off of your post)
1. Fight disease with disease. Take all the pigs and wrap them in blankets. That’s right, put the pigs in blankets. It saves boring cocktail parties and it’ll save us all in this case. Use Snuggies, so we can get rid of two abominations at once. Did I mention the blankets would contain the Small Pox virus? If it was good enough to wipe out Native Americans, it’s good enough to use on infected livestock.
2. El Swinador. These are Mexican pigs, right? Why not solve the problem and profit in the process? Set up a lucha libre battle royale where the animals wrestle each other until there’s only one left on all fours. Let the winner join ECW, with the rationale that being doomed to obscurity is akin to being dead.
3. Trust the “gut.” For once, the answer lies in books. Not a thick medical or science text, but the work of Kurt Vonnegut. Specifically, “Slaughterhouse-Five.” We’ve never actually read it (that frisbee golf tournament wasn’t going to win itself), but we’re guessing it lays out a plan for stopping the pig uprising. Swine seemed to be the subject of several of his stories. “Breakfast of Champions” was about bacon, right?
4. High on the hog. We can reduce the flow of illegal drugs into the country from Mexico by feeding the marijuana they send us to the pigs instead. They’ll get hungry and, not having access to Fritos, turn on each other. If Bugs Bunny cartoons have taught us anything, it’s when you’re isolated and famished, whatever creature is nearest to you begins to look like a giant pork chop. In this case, the pigs won’t even have to use their imagination.
