Everyone’s favorite middle-aged Jewish rap trio, the Beastie Boys, have just announced the name of their new album, due out in the fall, “Hot Sauce Committee.” Is the strange selection a form of self-sabotage? Here are some of the alternate titles containing condiments they considered:

The Boys decide to wing it.

Soy Sauce Senate

Barbecue Sauce Board

Plum Sauce Panel

Chutney Consortium

Thousand Island Dressing Trustees

Maple Syrup Moderators

Ranch Dressing Representatives

Teriyaki Sauce Task Force

Mayonnaise Members Meeting

Guacamole Guild

Horseradish Hearings

A-1 Assembly

Mustard Mob

Secret Salsa Society

Team Tartar Sauce

Wasabi War Room

Google just can’t catch a break lately. After faceplanting like a drunken 5 year old (actually pretty sweet, I’ve seen it) during last week’s googlequake, they get nuked by the assholes over at 4chan who took it upon themselves to spam the site with wave after wave of porn clips crazy enough to make Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs blush. Well, thank God for that, because it’s not like there aren’t enough places to get smut on the web, we had to make sure YouTube had it too.

I am the slightest bit torn, as griefing YouTube commenters does bring me a bit of joy, being my second least favorite people on the web (right behind, of course, people who frequent 4chan). That’s not to say the two are mutually exclusive, though. Here, I’ve made a diagram:

Still, couldn’t their asshattery be better placed? They had to hit that really great free site that RIAA/MPAA/Sith Lords are trying to take down?

It’s like you were invited to a chill party by that really cute girl in the coffee shop and a friend of a friend who overhears asks to come along. It’s not like you wanna be that exclusive dickhead, so you say sure, more the merrier. That’s when he invites his jackass buddy who pisses all over the beer in the fridge and throws up on coffee shop girl, just before the cops come to mistakenly throw your ass in the drunk tank.

So what do you do with a drunken 4chan earl-y in the morning? The same thing you do with any drunk: sic him on someone else. If he’s putting someone else’s cat in the microwave, he’s not teabagging your dog.

For starters, Internet denizens are suckers for “flash mobs” and 4chan is no exception. How about “Dress as your favorite Hell’s Angel” and try to blend in with other bikers you see? Perhaps even flash mob the Crips dressed as a Blood, or vice versa (depending on if you mind actual blood staining your blue clothes or merely blending in with the red). That’ll certainly cull a few douchebags off the web.

Of course, nothing inspires douchiness quite like misplaced anger. Give an asshole an issue, and he’ll be pissed for a day. Tell an asshole where he can find stupid shit to take offense to and he’ll be pissed for life. We just need to throw together a random “issue of the day” generator site and bam, they’ll be too occupied to even come up with coordinated attacks. You’ve got the deep pockets, Google. Let’s make this happen.

When all else fails, just remember that, like most sites, 4chan is nothing more than a hive mind following the pied piper of a few individuals. And what better place to channel hive minds than twitter? We simply drop a few twitter names in strategically placed threads on their boards, send out a few tweets to keep ‘em in line, and pull the strings on these puppets, like some virtual zombie army.

Just make sure to pack plenty of firepower. Build a better zombie trap and nature simply builds better zombies.

I apologize for my absence. I was headbutted by Kiefer Sutherland, not for saying something snippy to Brooke Shields, but having a non-pasty pigmentation, he mistook me for a terrorist. He’s a true method actor (translation: a-hole). In fact, he’s so committed to his Jack Bauer character, he purposely set out to get those DWIs as research — he thought they stood for “Doing Worthwhile Interrogating.” It took some time for the effects of the concussion to subside, but thankfully not enough brain cells were lost in the tussle to make me start watching “24.” The point is, it pained me to be gone, and while Keifer was protecting a pampered celeb, the President was protecting our government by declining to release photos of prisoners abused by the U.S. military. What other information is Obama keeping from the public?

Obama thinks the images will make people shutter.

Joe Biden is already ahead of Dan Quayle on the official vice president’s gaffe tally.

The exact number of teaspoons of mayo in a Big Mac’s special sauce (he is considering selling this secret to Burger King if they will agree to confer upon him regal status).

The FDA’s plans to inject Simon Cowell with swine flu as an excuse to deport him. Fellow judge Randy Jackson is slated to be bit by a rabid Rotweiler, at which point he will almost certainly exclaim, “That mad, diseased dog is mad diseased, Dawg!”

Much like Wolverine, his own bones are infused with adamantium, which helped him literally claw his way to the top. Secret Muslim? No. Secret mutant? Most definitely!

Knows the GOP, in hopes of luring young men to the party, is trying to organize a McCain-Palin wrestling event — between daughters Meghan and Bristol (it will be billed as a Michael Steele cage match).

Thanks to new intelligence uncovered by the CIA, has the answer to the decades-old doo-wop question, “Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop.” All he can reveal at this time is that it was not the same person “who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip.”

John Madden retired not to focus on his family, but so he could spend more time with Brett Favre (the famous Madden bus is no match for Madden’s buss).

His American Express gold card is actually 24-karats.

Had a tough time deciding who to appoint to the secret postion, Secretary of Infidelity: Bill Clinton or Eliot Spitzer.

Before allowing him to become a Democract, personally hazed Arlene Spector by forcing the Pa. Senator to swallow a goldfish and mow the White House lawn in women’s underwear.

There is no emoticon for what I’m feeling!

Google goes down, nerds fly into blogging rage

A chunk of the internet was left questioning why the hell we should bother to sit in front of the computer all day when Google left a large portion of the world without service early Thursday. Of course, being fat and impotent from years of sitting in front of said computer left them far too lethargic to even contemplate outside activities of any sort.

For those keeping score, the aftershocks of the Googlequake were wide felt, with a long list of casualties:

Two million exclamation points were added to the ends of sentences from frustrated forum trolls wondering how an internet company as large as Google, with hundreds of thousands of computers and millions of lines of code to manage, could allow them to be without one search engine and a few apps for several hours.

The sense of Irony was momentarily stunned following these posts, as said mouth breathers were incapable of such simple tasks as basic human interaction, showering, or the ability to dress themselves. After the interruption in Irony, Grammar itself was suspended as it was unable to process the lack of coherency in said forums. The Caps Lock key is still in critical condition.

$372 million USD were unfortunately lost as the entire country of Nigeria fails to transfer money out, unable to secure advance fees, despite repeated email requests from several princes and doctors that could not reach their Gmail destinations. Similarly, the market for “Peniss pill-z” and “lov3 m@king better” drugs crashed, as online pharmacies had no outbound source for communication. Countless pythons went tragically flaccid this evening.

Twitter was inundated with the same three tweets echoing endlessly:

1. Is Google down for you??? What do we do!? #googlefail #endoftimes
2. n00bs don’t even know how to google, werks 4 me. #grandmafail
3. OMFG I just ate a sandwich, someone pay attention to me! #narcissism

Bill Gates was heard to be laughing maniacally throughout the day, cackling “Dance, puppets, DANCE!”.

The four horsemen released a statement saying “Not our work, though imitation is the best form of flattery. Kudos!”.

Attempts were made to contact Skynet, asking if it were cross-promotion for Terminator: Salvation, but could not be reached for comment.

Recently, registrars are pushing for .me domains, and I thought I’d get a little wacky and buy up concentratedaweso.me, because 1) we’re way too awesome just for a .net domain and 2) I’ve been drinking (and you thought drunk dialing was bad).

One thing we’re especially proud of (and our parents especially ashamed) is our constantly updating taglines for the site, because what good is our obnoxious ranting into the black hole of blog-o-tubes than without our own special brand of flipping you off on top of it? While Marc is certainly the CEO (Chief Egregious Offender) of said one-liners, I try to do my part every once in a while to add my own Long Island “up yours” to the Jersey “kiss my ass” that is Marc. Here now, our other “what could have been” websites:

WheresYourCarDu.de – Where it’s always time for a break dancing stripper emergency (shibby)

Superfluo.us – Like most people, the internet doesn’t need 2 assholes, but this site’s still got ‘em.

SuperN.es – Sega can go fuck themselves.

BlueHedgeho.gs – Neck and neck in the race of crappy posts vs. crappy sonic games

SuperMar.io – Because Italian stereotypes tripping balls on shrooms is always fun.

Cromule.nt – Embiggening the web, one post at a time.

WelcomeToTheThunderdo.me – 2 Bloggers enter, one blogger leaves.

Dirty.com.my – Where it’s Obama-central 24/7!

SonOfABit.ch – Cursing? Here? Fuck no!

TheWayShitFlo.ws – Downhill, much like our careers on the web.

BloggingZombi.es – Picking our brains, Nibbling on yours.

DrunkAndSur.ly – The web’s version of your abusive stepfather. Now, go cut us a switch.

NomNomN.om – Unlike the meme, we were never all that funny, though we do look super cute in captioned pictures.

Got some of your own? Take a look at the domain registry and leave some in our comments.

Already tired of this story hogging the headlines? Here are some simple solutions to prevent a pandemic. (Will, sorry to piggyback off of your post)

1. Fight disease with disease. Take all the pigs and wrap them in blankets. That’s right, put the pigs in blankets. It saves boring cocktail parties and it’ll save us all in this case. Use Snuggies, so we can get rid of two abominations at once. Did I mention the blankets would contain the Small Pox virus? If it was good enough to wipe out Native Americans, it’s good enough to use on infected livestock.

2. El Swinador. These are Mexican pigs, right? Why not solve the problem and profit in the process? Set up a lucha libre battle royale where the animals wrestle each other until there’s only one left on all fours. Let the winner join ECW, with the rationale that being doomed to obscurity is akin to being dead.

3. Trust the “gut.” For once, the answer lies in books. Not a thick medical or science text, but the work of Kurt Vonnegut. Specifically, “Slaughterhouse-Five.” We’ve never actually read it (that frisbee golf tournament wasn’t going to win itself), but we’re guessing it lays out a plan for stopping the pig uprising. Swine seemed to be the subject of several of his stories. “Breakfast of Champions” was about bacon, right?

4. High on the hog. We can reduce the flow of illegal drugs into the country from Mexico by feeding the marijuana they send us to the pigs instead. They’ll get hungry and, not having access to Fritos, turn on each other. If Bugs Bunny cartoons have taught us anything, it’s when you’re isolated and famished, whatever creature is nearest to you begins to look like a giant pork chop. In this case, the pigs won’t even have to use their imagination.