Obama retaliated by hiring Kid ‘n Play for a White House Party
Last week we were treated to dozens of protests across the U.S. over Obama’s tax plan, naturally celebrated on April 15, aka Tax Day (I know my Thursday morning hangover was kickin’ like Bruce Lee on steroids). Being perennially clever, conservative-minded Americans threw a Tea Party protest, because nothing says you should listen to us more than a bunch of assholes without jobs standing in the rain holding up sad attempts at mid-90′s pop culture references and littering Earl Grey. I suppose the philosophy is “If I’m too poor to eat, they can’t tax me and I can earn welfare”. The homeless have all the luck!
Of course, if I was leading a protest, I’d probably take it in several different ways to really drive the point home:
Historical reference – If you’re throwing a Boston Tea Party remake, stop being a bitch and go all the way by instituting mandatory pantaloons Fridays. Bosses must wear powdered wigs. No, Rush Limbaugh may not re-institute slavery “for the authentic Jefferson reenactment”
90′s rock – Or you could take in the complete opposite direction – wear nothing but delicately placed socks a la the Red Hot Chili Peppers demonstrating how Obama is “giving it away now”. Ok, I admit it. I’ve got a man crush on McCain and I need to see me some wrinkled old man. Damn you for starting this addiction Lemon Party (SFW)!
The ninja crowd – With the Pirate Bay suffering a critical blow in court and America kicking Somalian pirate ass (woo! USA mother fuckers!), the swashbuckler and salty sea dog popularity has waned significantly. Have a Dread Pirate Roberts (costumed by conservative John G. Roberts of the Supreme Court) in your protest symbolizing the President’s “theft” of your hard earned money. Or you could swing it the other way, have a bunch of ninjas beating up on Long John Silver (or the pirate of your liking). Either way, you’re going to need a lot of black. Ask your goth sons and daughters for tips.
The Eco-nuts – No one wants to save green more than damn dirty hippie liberals, right? Make outrageous claims like “Obama burns tax dollars to burn down the Amazon” or “tax laws are legally required to be written with baby seal tears”. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be true. Most environment friendly people are too busy with smug self-satisfaction or next week’s crisis-to-be to do any serious fact checking.
The “Looking for an excuse” – Let’s be honest. Anyone who is at this protest had nothing better to do that day anyway. That’s about 25% of the U.S., except they’re too lazy to get out of the house. So give them a reason. Crazy break dancing strippers? Giant ranch dressing hose? Perhaps an elaborate goblet a la Lil’ John. Any and all of these are perfectly valid with the proper analogy/metaphor. You know, bullshit. “We’re representing the wasteful spending of the Democats.” Bam, done. You just earned a reason to throw a bitchin’ kegger, courtesy of the GOP. Those tea bags, costumes, posters, etc. are costing you money, at least put it to good use. We’re all screwed anyway. Maybe I just want to see a thousand republicans yelling at Congress “Show us your cans, Pelosi!”. A man can dream.
April 21st, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Getting a minor celebrity or who past their glory days is sure to increase turnout. Who wouldn’t attend the Mr. T. Tea Party? “I pity the fool who raises taxes. Mr. T. don’t buy stocks or land, Mr. T. invests all his money in gold chains. If the government wants Mr. T’s money, they’ll have to pry it from my neck.”
Pelosi has an antique can collection?
Sure, a man can dream, but if in your dream you happen to be working a job that pays you $250,000 or more, prepare to be taxed accordingly. Whatever you do, don’t dream about winning the lottery.