In every group of dudes, you’ve got a general collective of well-wishers, ne’ever-do-wells, chums, bums, partners in crime and accomplices to what-have-you in tomfoolery. Usually you can break these hooligans down into some familiar classifications:
1) Wall Street friend – Smooth talking friend who goads you into doing stupid stuff, on rare occasion for your own benefit. Also manages to know cool places to hit and brings in groups of girls you might never be around. Downside: will wear pink shirts and/or suits. Takes his pants off in the bar. Yells out “FREEBIRD!” after every song at concerts. Upside: somehow this works on hot girls and will strike up conversations with chicks way outside your league.
Trademarks: tribal tattoo, popped collar, backwards upside sunglasses on at night. Orders 11 shots at a time, one for him and 10 for the “table of lovely ladies who look way too thirsty”. May end up covered in 9 of those shots (there’s always one drunk girl who won’t turn it down)
2) Drunken daredevil – after 4 or 5 drinks, takes bets on bar stunts. Starts off small like racing to finish Irish car bombs first, but progresses to “I bet I could steal the bouncer’s wallet” or “I’m going to spin kick that old lady in the head”. Should come with bail money. Handy in a fight.
Trademarks: torn shirt and black eye the next day. Knows the officers at the local precinct on a first name basis. Usually scares away other drunks at bars (or keeps occupied) but may scare away ladies along with. Fights hallucinatory leprechauns who want their gold back.
‘Cause everyone group needs
a group bitch
3) The group bitch – useful for ripping on/throwing whiskey bottles at when bored, tends to sit back and smile. Will get pissed off every 3-6 months, then realize he has nothing better to do so comes back. The “Milhouse” of the group.
Trademarks: The face of a man whose soul is shattered from years of fetching beers, losing his favorite seat, and having to “bite the bullet” by taking the ugly friend of a group of otherwise hot girls. On the plus side, often designated driver, parents usually own a summer house, will do as told, is happy to have some attention from ugly friend.
4) The straight man – usually the one who sits back and watches as the circus of the drunken evening falls, somewhat like how the Highlanders (wall street, drunken daredevils) may clash in epic battles, he fills the role of Watchers. Good for an occasional smart ass remark. Bad for doing anything exciting or interacting with women, but lots of beer helps.
Trademarks: quietly sips beer while hot girls say “aren’t you sweet” and then throw up on his lap. Hence, rarely gets laid. Has the card for a good lawyer in his wallet when daredevil friend turns into “that guy just looked at me wrong” friend
5) Shotgun friend – Called the shotgun friend because he will hit on everyone single lady you see, no matter height, weight, number of teeth or STDs. Also known as the spray and pray friend. At the highest of highs, will nail girls you didn’t think was possible. At the lowest of lows, will nail girls you didn’t think was possible. Fueled by booze and testosterone. Awesome stories. Horrific stories. Also knows the best places to pick up ladies and the closest alley to do it in.
Trademarks: Will sell you out for a piece of tail faster than you can say “what’s this stain on the back seat of my car?”.
6) The Depressant – Everything in life has come to a halt after the sudden break up of his girlfriend…a year and a half ago. This friend could trip on a million dollar lottery ticket and curse his luck for stubbing his toe. Won’t steal your hot girlfriend, but likely depress you all the same.
Trademark: Almost guaranteed to have a livejournal of emo poetry. Will carry a picture of his old girlfriend, make drunken calls to her at 2am. May turn into angry drunken friend after.
Have you ever read a shitty blog post…on WEED?
7) Stoner friend – Everything is better when stoned. Like Jon Stewart in Half Baked, if you can’t do it stoned, it shouldn’t be done. Lazy as all fuck, but usually knows some good music and is good for chilling on a post-hangover Sunday afternoon. Will surprise you at random knowledge he knows and baffle you with basic human understanding he doesn’t.
Trademarks: Incoherent sentences at 10am. Oddly coherent at 1am. Will never do anything useful on purpose. Fairly distinct from the group bitch.
Hipster friend – Unmistakable in clothes picked up from the Salvation army (sometimes Urban Outfitters, if they’re hipster posers). Knows the latest indie bands, will hate them 10 minutes later when heard on the jukebox of your favorite bar. Whatever beer is on tap is piss water compared to the import served at his bar in the East Village doing 3 weeks after the fall equinox.
Trademark: A bowler hat and tie must be worn at all times. Jeans your 12 year old sister couldn’t fit in. The sneer of a man who knows more than you about music. Probably does, but fuck him anyway.
