Will
Looks like we’ve been kicking around these here ol’ webtubes for a little over a year now and reached that monumental 100th post. The blog’s a little older, a little wiser. We soil ourselves just a little less, yet have found new ways to shame ourselves and our loved ones every day. We’ve even updated consistently every now and again. We’ve charted the same lands The Onion have already discovered, made claims to locales The Daily Show had talked about the day before, much like Columbus “discovering” America after Native Americans and Vikings before them. We even hope to have a holiday in our name for carrying this plague of a website to scourge these brave souls before us, perhaps when we crack that ever elusive 10 readers in a single day number.
Numbers do not concern us though. Especially concerning our debt collectors. Our steely gaze is every reaching, searching new horizons for ridiculous videos to goof on. To tout the tomfoolery, to search out the senseless, to hold up high hooliganism. For we look back on a year and see not the insane ramblings of two degenerates, no. We see vision. We see providence. We see a big fat lawsuit once offended parties catch wind. And when that day comes, we shall rise up to the challenge of our rivals and say together in one clear voice “it was him” as we point to each other.
But we write today not to talk about where we’ve been. We stand before you now in digitized eminence not to beleaguer our friends and embarass our families with jokes about monkeys throwing poo (that’s next week’s post). No, we come here today to tear down those walls of ignorance and hate, to stare down those who furrow their low brows and unibrows in vain attempts to comprehend our shenanigans. We look into the eyes of those who say “haven’t we heard these same jokes before?” and we say “Nay!”. For our stale puns come with that extra crunch of desperation, thalt saltiness from bitter tears that come from those who have poured over their keyboards for hours on end only to say “fuck it, let’s just write about zombies”.
Have we not laughed at dudes getting hit in the groin centuries before? Have not our Forefathers come from such humble roots, sown the seeds of displeasure about douchery so that we too may join in solidarity as we say unto you “No tv and no beer make homer…something something”? I say therefore that we can do so much more for you, our dear readers (read: moms). I believe that our children and our children’s children too can remember what it’s like to get drunk at a bar and make outrageous statements like “Aunt Jemima could TOTALLY kick Mrs. Butterworth’s ass!”. That only in retreading tired and burnt out jokes can we then rise like a soaring phoenix into the annals of history (the front pages of reddit, digg and the like).
We lift the glue we’ve been sniffing up to you and to another year of getting away with the literary equivalent of murder.
Marc
I really wanted a State of Blogunion address delivered by Rod Blagojevich for two main reasons: One, I’ve never heard of anyone whose name so closely sounded like it contained the word “blog,” (Wade Boggs is a distant second) and Two, that guy can sell anything! He’s the Billy Mays of politicians, only his beard is on his head! He’s so charming and persuasive I could see him peddling the Brooklyn Bridge, life insurance, a lousy timeshare on swamp land, or even a midwestern state senate seat. However, I was shocked to learn that he demanded a large sum of money for his efforts. He kept repeating that he had something very valuable to offer, stating it an a highly profane way and frankly, I started to get a little worried he was coming on to me (sorry, I’m not a swing voter).
If you can’t get someone with morality and integrity at least get someone with great hair, that’s my philosophy when it comes to guest speakers. Sadly, Don King also declined our request, saying he preferred to “have a dog in the fight, not blog late at night in a medium I find trite. Yes, that’s a slight…” and on his reply went for three whole pages. So no celebrity backing for us, which means I’ll have to speak for myself and speak from the most emotional of organs, the spleen (my heart had nothing constructive to say).
100 posts. Wow. ShamWow, even. I’ll be honest, after America elected an only partly-white President and Axl Rose released “Chinese Democracy” last fall, I didn’t think mankind was capable of accomplishing any more great things in the 21st century (excluding the release of all future Apple products). Can we do anything to best ourselves and continue to create greatness? Well, Pizza Hut managed to put cheese inside the crust, so yes, perfecting the already perfect can be done. Even though we enjoy resting on our laurels, as they are quite plush (like velvet cushions), we vow to remain innovative, and on the off chance we do run out of ideas, we always have our chiseled good looks and an enormous stockpile of Simpsons quotes to fall back on. If our beauty fades and our memories deteriorate… there’s still welfare, right? Umm, class-action lawsuit against the Snuggie for making us too warm? “We’ve been fleeced by this fleece” is our rallying cry. I guess we haven’t given enough thought to what we’d do without this blog in our lives. Here’s to hoping for another 100, so we don’t have interact with people in any traditional sort of way (waiting in line with them, baking for them, spitting on them, etc.).
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