You may have noticed that after railing against Bush during the election cycle, Obama’s been sliding back to the middle, even overturning some decisions that he criticized Bush for. Conservatives are upset that we’re doling out another huge bailout and setting a timetable for our troops. Liberals are annoyed at his lack of transparency with White House secrets and war rhetoric, including a standing troop count of 35-50k soldiers in Iraq past this fall of 2010 deadline.

Fortunately, I’ve cracked the code on this: Barack is too popular right now. He’s got nowhere to go but down. Think of this as the start of Barack’s mixtape. He’s gotta start slow before he kicks it up into “The Touch” by Stan Bush.

Here’s a quick preview of some of Obama’s new policies for the next few months:

The future faces of Mt. Crushmore

• Tuesdays are now “Beat the Elderly with sackfuls of puppies” day. Should the elderly be nuns, they must then be lit on fire
• Mount Rushmore will be replaced with classic 80′s villains
• Embyonic stem cell research will be government funded again, however the studies will be used to produce a race of vampiric werewolf zombies (sounds cool for 5 minutes, but wait ’til you’re cowering in your closet with holy water and a shotgun full of silver shells)
• Additional scientific research will be invested in crossing an everlasting gobstopper with a tootsie roll pop so that we can never prove that fucking owl wrong
• Enjoy the toilet paper while you have it, it’s going to be three sea shell time soon
• The Red Sox and the Yankees will switch to become the New York Red Sox and the Boston Yankees, majorly pissing off 2 major US cities. The Clippers will stay put to take care of L.A.
• Missouri’s nickname will now be changed to the “Blow me” state
• The following cities will no longer be a part of the US: Tampa, West Palm Beach, and everything south of Miami, so that Florida can fully embrace its Jewish influence by receiving a circumcision. L’Haim!
• Universal Dress Code for America with 3 options: the Flock of Seagulls, the Flava Flav (viking helmet AND giant clock), and the Marky Mark (cmon cmon)
• A portion of the stimulus package will go to produce crappy movie remakes of our favorite childhood memories starting with Transformers, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li and the Karate Kid. Hollywood got a head start on Obama with this one.

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