Whether chatting with Jay Leno, watching Stevie Wonder perform or filling out a basketball bracket, Barack Obama has been busy balancing his obligations as Preslebrident (a celebrity President). Here are a few of the other activites receiving less media attention that occupy his days.

Training the new puppy to pee on pictures of Rush Limbaugh.

Planting the seeds of hope…and tomatoes and cucumbers and radishes. Clearly, he marches to the beet of his own drummer.

Barry, Barry, dignitary, how does your garden grow?

Creating acronyms for MSNBC (his best one so far: Matthews Swoons Noting Barack’s Charisma).

Picking out more DVDs to give to the many prime ministers he has yet to meet (to save money, he’s buying them all from the $5 bin at Wal-Mart). Wonder if Gordon Brown liked “Jackie Brown?”

Inventing excuses to not bowl against a Special Olympics champion. Top 2: 1. Sorry, I don’t have a moment to spare. 2. I’ll have to split before I can finish a full frame.

Finishing writing joke for speech on economy about how the deficit and Sen. Robert Byrd will both make it to 1 trillion this year.

Calling Tyler Hansbrough to come over so the President can climb on his shoulders and dunk over former hoopster and current special aid, Reggie Love. Yes, even the Commander-in-Chief relishes sticking it to Duke. The image of a white man helping a black man jump will usher in an era of racial harmony. Hansbrough may even land a position in the White House if he manages to execute a 360 jam or brings the President a carton of smokes.

Buying inmates wrongfully held at Guantanamo Bay handles of Parrot Bay and a commemorative shot glasses that read “Rum for Your Lives.” For those not easily pleased, throw in T-shirts with the slogan front/back: “Surfing’s for Sissies. / U.S. Waterboarding Pro.”

Newspapers have been taking a nosedive for while now, particularly last year, right around the time we kicked off this blog. Some will say that’s coincidence, but it’s pretty obvious to us. Clearly, we’ve become so huge that we’re killing print media. We’d like to formally apologize for this and, while we’re at it, we’d like to get a few more things off our chests we hold ourselves responsible for:

President Grimace will eat your children

• Landing Isiah Thomas a job with the Knicks. We talked it over with Knicks management and thought it would be hilarious. We’re not good drunks after our 7th malibu bay breeze
• For a brief period in the summer of ’76, stealing the funk from James Brown. We also chipped it after misinterpreting “dropping a funky beat”. We also made it too hot in the hot tub
• The following asinine words: staycation, television event, blogosphere, Ann Coulter
• Staten Island. We thought Manhattan needed an inbred cousin, but it turned into THAT cousin’s inbred cousin
• Every Duke win ever. We lost a bet with Satan. Who knew Bea Arthur could fit THAT many ping pong balls…ahem
• The previous imagery of Bea Arthur and ping pong balls
• Giving the Trix rabbit a bowl of trix and sending him into a suicidal spiral after the realization they did not live up to his expectations. Tony the Tiger did give a moving eulogy, though. Wish Captain Crunch hadn’t gotten so drunk half way through and took his pants off. Moving on.
• The confusion over the verbial form of Twitter. It’s not tweeting, twittering, or twitting, but actually flooergenhoerfen. It’s Swedish.
• Sleeping with Mary Kate when we were dating Ashley Olsen. Ok, we’re not sorry about that, it was totally sweet.
• Installing the puppet regime of Mayor McCheese over McDonald land. Grimace had actually won the popular vote, but his radical, socialist thinking could only lead to more fry kids dropping out of school and Birdie selling it on the streets.
• Attempts at world domination from: alien ant overlords, body snatchers, pod people, lizard men, mole men, and the Rand corporation in conjunction with the saucer people under the supervision of reverse vampires
• Rewriting the laws of physics so your toast always lands butter side down
• Another blog post consisting of an obscure, nonsensical and bizarre list

Sorry I’ve been MIA for a bit. Unlike the rapper MIA, I was not giving birth (except to brilliant ideas). I did, however, suffer a deep bruise from frequently patting myself on the back over our 100th post. Again, thank you anonymous interneters for all your support. And by “support” I mean “total apathy, with a few death threats mixed in to keep us honest.” There’s nothing like the sound of no hands clapping.

I must state that longevity on the web, much like a David Lynch film, is incomprehensible and ultimately meaningless. If you think reaching this benchmark will translate into a higher quality of posts, I’ll say the same thing to you that I do to my dates upon disrobing: prepare to be disappointed. Like the ski instructor said to Natasha Richardson, it’s all downhill from here. No need to question if that despicable joke was “too soon.” Yes, it was. I slalomly swear not make another crack at her expense. Insensitive remarks can be slippery slope… damn. So much for that promise. 

As we’ve all been told before, the future is uncertain, whether it is in regards to the economy or this website, both of which people pray won’t sink any lower. As IQ tests will confirm, I know very little, but as we move forward, there is one thing I am certain of: Liam Neeson, who it must be pointed out starred in a flick with the subtitle “The Widowmaker,” having his dear wife “Taken” from him tragically, will not make a follow-up to his recent box office triumph. That does not mean the movie will not be made. Jason Statham will fill the role (after all, he’s proven he can “Crank” out sequels). We must find happiness in the little things. I, for one, look forward to “Taken 2: The Takening (Tagline: When they snatch his step-cousin, it all becomes relative).”

It takes an amazing amount of collective douchery to knock off the front pages of every newspaper in America a man who took $50 billion in a ponzi scheme. Congrats AIG, you’ve unseated the reigning champ. Taking $164 million dollars for bonuses after receiving $170+ billion in a bailout? That’s the equivalent of…ya know what? I actually can’t think of a legitimate analogy for that. Biggest balls ever. I don’t know if several million dollars is enough to fend off a mob of 300 million Americans wanting their money back, though, so you’re going to need to look for new ways to grow your recently swindled capital from the American people.

You’ve only swept the leg, now you gotta put ‘em in a body bag, so to speak. A couple million is certainly nice, but blow and hookers have gone up in recent months and this will keep you afloat for only so long. Remember all those people you fucked over? Well, now you’re literally fucking them, as they’ve all turned to prostitution and drugs, simultaneously flooding the market with whores and creating demand for coke. I’ve made a graph for clarity:

The constant here is my sex life. Not sure how that got on this graph

Really, what you need to do is invest that money in future evils and diabolical cabals. I hear Gargamel, Inc. is supposed to take off in the upcoming year, as his long tail plan to turn Smurfs into gold is nearing fruition. For the short term, e.g. “hush money for the babysitter” kinds of petty cash, you’ll want to look into straightforward muggings and thievery. Times are tough though, so you’ll need to pinch those pennies. Their 401k’s may be wiped out, but remember the elderly have money left to feed their dozens of cats. Lemonade stands make easy pickings as well, so make sure to tap the children. Begin by setting up shop in Florida, making sure to stay away from Clearwater or those Scientologists might try to muscle you out.

Of course, you can always look towards technologies. You have your standard doomsday devices and small time nuclear weapons for a steady stream of income, and research and development into bio-weapons has strong potential for high yields as well. I know there’s worry about another internet bubble. Fear not, Nigerian scams and phishing schemes will continue to produce. For the ambitious (and supervillainous), there’s always general destruction of the environment. Watch out for that fucker Captain Planet and those pesky Planeteers, though. I’m sure Cheney can field some questions for you there.

Finally, there’s your image. You can’t go around screwing people left and right without drawing some ire. You’ll need a crack team of lawyers to fend off Congress and PR asshats to spin your ill-gotten gains. Be careful though, as they too may be total fucktards looking to take all of your money as well. Remind the general populace of what a drop in the bucket stealing a few million is compared to Barry Bonds and A-Rod taking roids or how video games are really what’s ruining America, not your greed. The homosexual populace is still a great scape goat as well, because Ma and Pa living in Nebraska are more threatened by two people getting married than losing their life savings.

Stay strong, for if you falter, who will be there to steal our money?

Christian Bale went bonkers, while Joaquin Phoenix continues his bird-brained behavior. Here’s CA’s breakdown of the two Hollywood headcases.

Will

Looks like we’ve been kicking around these here ol’ webtubes for a little over a year now and reached that monumental 100th post. The blog’s a little older, a little wiser. We soil ourselves just a little less, yet have found new ways to shame ourselves and our loved ones every day. We’ve even updated consistently every now and again. We’ve charted the same lands The Onion have already discovered, made claims to locales The Daily Show had talked about the day before, much like Columbus “discovering” America after Native Americans and Vikings before them. We even hope to have a holiday in our name for carrying this plague of a website to scourge these brave souls before us, perhaps when we crack that ever elusive 10 readers in a single day number.

Numbers do not concern us though. Especially concerning our debt collectors. Our steely gaze is every reaching, searching new horizons for ridiculous videos to goof on. To tout the tomfoolery, to search out the senseless, to hold up high hooliganism. For we look back on a year and see not the insane ramblings of two degenerates, no. We see vision. We see providence. We see a big fat lawsuit once offended parties catch wind. And when that day comes, we shall rise up to the challenge of our rivals and say together in one clear voice “it was him” as we point to each other.

But we write today not to talk about where we’ve been. We stand before you now in digitized eminence not to beleaguer our friends and embarass our families with jokes about monkeys throwing poo (that’s next week’s post). No, we come here today to tear down those walls of ignorance and hate, to stare down those who furrow their low brows and unibrows in vain attempts to comprehend our shenanigans. We look into the eyes of those who say “haven’t we heard these same jokes before?” and we say “Nay!”. For our stale puns come with that extra crunch of desperation, thalt saltiness from bitter tears that come from those who have poured over their keyboards for hours on end only to say “fuck it, let’s just write about zombies”.

Have we not laughed at dudes getting hit in the groin centuries before? Have not our Forefathers come from such humble roots, sown the seeds of displeasure about douchery so that we too may join in solidarity as we say unto you “No tv and no beer make homer…something something”? I say therefore that we can do so much more for you, our dear readers (read: moms). I believe that our children and our children’s children too can remember what it’s like to get drunk at a bar and make outrageous statements like “Aunt Jemima could TOTALLY kick Mrs. Butterworth’s ass!”. That only in retreading tired and burnt out jokes can we then rise like a soaring phoenix into the annals of history (the front pages of reddit, digg and the like).

We lift the glue we’ve been sniffing up to you and to another year of getting away with the literary equivalent of murder.

Marc

I really wanted a State of Blogunion address delivered by Rod Blagojevich for two main reasons: One, I’ve never heard of anyone whose name so closely sounded like it contained the word “blog,” (Wade Boggs is a distant second) and Two, that guy can sell anything! He’s the Billy Mays of politicians, only his beard is on his head! He’s so charming and persuasive I could see him peddling the Brooklyn Bridge, life insurance, a lousy timeshare on swamp land, or even a midwestern state senate seat. However, I was shocked to learn that he demanded a large sum of money for his efforts. He kept repeating that he had something very valuable to offer, stating it an a highly profane way and frankly, I started to get a little worried he was coming on to me (sorry, I’m not a swing voter).

If you can’t get someone with morality and integrity at least get someone with great hair, that’s my philosophy when it comes to guest speakers. Sadly, Don King also declined our request, saying he preferred to “have a dog in the fight, not blog late at night in a medium I find trite. Yes, that’s a slight…” and on his reply went for three whole pages. So no celebrity backing for us, which means I’ll have to speak for myself and speak from the most emotional of organs, the spleen (my heart had nothing constructive to say).

100 posts. Wow. ShamWow, even. I’ll be honest, after America elected an only partly-white President and Axl Rose released “Chinese Democracy” last fall, I didn’t think mankind was capable of accomplishing any more great things in the 21st century (excluding the release of all future Apple products). Can we do anything to best ourselves and continue to create greatness? Well, Pizza Hut managed to put cheese inside the crust, so yes, perfecting the already perfect can be done. Even though we enjoy resting on our laurels, as they are quite plush (like velvet cushions), we vow to remain innovative, and on the off chance we do run out of ideas, we always have our chiseled good looks and an enormous stockpile of Simpsons quotes to fall back on. If our beauty fades and our memories deteriorate… there’s still welfare, right? Umm, class-action lawsuit against the Snuggie for making us too warm? “We’ve been fleeced by this fleece” is our rallying cry. I guess we haven’t given enough thought to what we’d do without this blog in our lives. Here’s to hoping for another 100, so we don’t have interact with people in any traditional sort of way (waiting in line with them, baking for them, spitting on them, etc.).

Michael Steele, or Yung Steezy, as he’s known on the streets, wants to tap into the culture of hip hop to recruit a younger, more multicultural base to the Republican party. He’s already adopted the lingo (you da man, Steele!), but there are a few more steps he has to take to gain the trust of this community.

Crunk with power: Steele won’t be let “off the hook” for his curious comments anytime soon.

Renew your license to ill.

Wear a band-aid on your cheek a la Nelly. Say the band-aid symbolizes the Democrats’ plan to fix the economy.

Refer to the White House as the “House of Pain” and Capitol Hill as “Cypress Hill.”

Send Soulja Boy to Iraq to become a real soldier.

Hold a press conference where you stand under Rihanna’s umbrella (make sure Chris Brown doesn’t see you).

Point out that while the rap world may have its share of criminals — such as T.I., 50 Cent and Lil’ Kim — so do the Republicans (Scooter Libby, Ted Stevens and Mark Foley)!

Award Dr. Dre an actual doctorate (either in African American studies or rhymeology), assure people PhD does not stand for “playa hatin’ degree.”

Remind rappers that Republicans also enjoying bragging about their ever-growing collections of guns and threatening to use them, especially if you approach their property (but use the slang word “turf”).

Draft a bill to make the day of 2Pac’s death a national holiday (make sure it’s a 2sday).

Have Pharrell compose background beats for your speeches, then release remixes of them.

Remind them rich Republicans are the true originators of bling (long before rappers were pimping rides, GOPers were tricking out yachts, aka “sailing dirty”).

Set aside time to get jiggy with it at least once a week.

Show the Dems platform is government rules and regulations, whereas Republicans are in favor of Ja Rule and reggae-lations (defined as “having sex while listening to Bob Marley”).

Meet grill-to-grill with the most popular rappers. Ease yourself in with Kanye West. Chances are, he’ll be wearing a collared shirt — just like you!

You may have noticed that after railing against Bush during the election cycle, Obama’s been sliding back to the middle, even overturning some decisions that he criticized Bush for. Conservatives are upset that we’re doling out another huge bailout and setting a timetable for our troops. Liberals are annoyed at his lack of transparency with White House secrets and war rhetoric, including a standing troop count of 35-50k soldiers in Iraq past this fall of 2010 deadline.

Fortunately, I’ve cracked the code on this: Barack is too popular right now. He’s got nowhere to go but down. Think of this as the start of Barack’s mixtape. He’s gotta start slow before he kicks it up into “The Touch” by Stan Bush.

Here’s a quick preview of some of Obama’s new policies for the next few months:

The future faces of Mt. Crushmore

• Tuesdays are now “Beat the Elderly with sackfuls of puppies” day. Should the elderly be nuns, they must then be lit on fire
• Mount Rushmore will be replaced with classic 80′s villains
• Embyonic stem cell research will be government funded again, however the studies will be used to produce a race of vampiric werewolf zombies (sounds cool for 5 minutes, but wait ’til you’re cowering in your closet with holy water and a shotgun full of silver shells)
• Additional scientific research will be invested in crossing an everlasting gobstopper with a tootsie roll pop so that we can never prove that fucking owl wrong
• Enjoy the toilet paper while you have it, it’s going to be three sea shell time soon
• The Red Sox and the Yankees will switch to become the New York Red Sox and the Boston Yankees, majorly pissing off 2 major US cities. The Clippers will stay put to take care of L.A.
• Missouri’s nickname will now be changed to the “Blow me” state
• The following cities will no longer be a part of the US: Tampa, West Palm Beach, and everything south of Miami, so that Florida can fully embrace its Jewish influence by receiving a circumcision. L’Haim!
• Universal Dress Code for America with 3 options: the Flock of Seagulls, the Flava Flav (viking helmet AND giant clock), and the Marky Mark (cmon cmon)
• A portion of the stimulus package will go to produce crappy movie remakes of our favorite childhood memories starting with Transformers, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li and the Karate Kid. Hollywood got a head start on Obama with this one.

Abraham Lincoln is attending a play (hope it’s got some action).

Adolph Hilter is invading Poland (you can’t spell “Warsaw” without ‘War’).

Martin Luther King Jr. dreams in black and white.

Al Gore is inventing the internet (porn industry, you’ll thank me someday).

O.J. Simpson is finding the real killer (right after he gets in a quick 9 holes).

Paul Revere is on a midnight ride…this time, it’s to the general store (the misses ran out of milk and eggs).

Alexander Graham Bell is making a few calls. Wasssup, Watson!

Lorena Bobbit is sharpening her best knife.

John Hancock is signing a document.

Bobby Jindal is grocery shopping with his father. Aisle be awhile (get it?).

Albert Einstein thinks it’s all relative.

William Shakespeare is comparing thee to a summer’s day, though thou art making me “spring,” saucy wenches (will swap sonnets for sex).

Shakespeare is looking for a lusty lady to tame his shrew.

Rod Blagojevich is the new Monty Hall (let’s make a deal, motherfucker!).

Anne Frank is hiding (shhhh!).

Charles Darwin is evolving…slowly.

Sigmund Freud is really curious to know more about your mother.

Meriwether Lewis is headed west with his bff, William Clark. Trail trip!

Larry Craig is a big fan of George Michaels — and not just his music;)

Marie Curie is in need of a safer work environment.

Lou Gehrig is sick, but can’t figure out what he has:(

Neil Armstrong is on the moon (suck it, Soviet Union!!).

Christopher Columbus is sailing a new route to India, where the people he meets will be Indians, dammit.

Benjamin Franklin is flying a kite, even though it’s stormy.

Monica Lewinsky is never wearing that dress again.

Mahatma Gandhi is starving!!

Issac Newton isn’t sure why fruit keeps falling on his head (stupid apple tree).

Jane Goodall is starting to ape the behavior of those around her.

Rosa Parks is taking a stand…by remaining seated.

Alberto Gonzalez is experiencing amensia ; )

Howard Dean is Wooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Alex Rodriguez is training really, really hard with help from his cousin

Jerry Seinfeld is wondering what the deal is with updating everyone as to what you’re doing at a given time. Facebook? I see faces, I get that part, but how is this a book? It doesn’t have any chapters, you can’t thumb through pages – I like to dog-ear mine — and there’s no story! They should call it “Facediary” or “Faceplanner.”

Eminem is *chicka-chicka* Slim Shady.

Barack Obama is walking on water, turning it into wine, drinking it, then fixing the economy.

Rene Descartes posts…therefore, he is.