You may have noticed (probably not) that I didn’t post last week. Well, last Monday I moved into a fancy new apartment. Unfortunately, I was also cut off from Internet access for a week due to renovations in the apartment (and either the Freemasons, the Illuminati or Commie Nazis). I kept a quick running diary of events throughout the last week and a half.
Day 1
3:00pm – Whew, finally all my stuff is in! I’ll probably be too busy to care about the lack of net access. Would like to see what’s going on with Twitter or check my email. Oh well. This could be great, like a retreat or a health spa “cleansing”. Without the colonic, of course.
7:00pm – Set up the essentials (read: computer, video game consoles). This isn’t so bad, I’ve got some Rock Band and a ton of games I’ve meant to finish. Haven’t had my sexuality questioned or any racial epithets tossed my way in a while, which feels strange.
9:00pm – At this point I would usually throw down on some Left 4 Dead zombies online, yell at a few people for being “complete fucktards” just for using a health pack a little early. Good times. Starting to get antsy, don’t know what to do before bed.
Day 2
1:00pm – My right arm feels a little itchy. Can’t stop scratching. Starting to lose the “ass groove” in my computer chair. Computer looks a little lonely. Sorry old friend, it’s only another 6 days!
5:00pm – Fully unpacked, cleaned the apartment floor to ceiling. Made a different dinner each night for the next week. Realized how much more I could get done without the Internet distracting me. Distraught.
5:10pm – Realized that I haven’t seen a monkey pee into its own mouth in a few days. Inconsolable.
8:00pm – Fuck, when did days get this long!? Looked over at my bookshelf. Nope, not quite that bored yet.
Day 3
11:00am – Itchiness has turned into a numbness throughout my arm. Am I dying!?
1:00pm – Went music shopping, bought 7 cd’s. Fuck, I guess the RIAA was right.
4:00pm – Dear God, what do people without computers do all day!? Willing to shove that tube up my ass now if it meant I could check my email. Thought about the sexual innuendo behind that. Debated whether it was worth it.
6:00pm – Got a call from Time Warner while walking down the street saying I could check the status of my appointment online. Sat down and cried. Homeless guy patted me on the head, gave me a buck.
8:30pm – Called up a friend to describe the Google homepage for me. “Uh, it’s white and has Google at the top in lots of different colors.” Ohh yeah, that’s the stuff. Was told never to call back again.
Day 4
10:00am – Realized the less time I’m conscious, the less time I realize I’m away from the net. Cracking open a bottle of vodka.
Noon – I wondr hwo much of tihs I can driank until I…
3:00pm – Woke up. Dreamed I was nuzzling up to Richard Stallman. He’s like a big teddy bear, and that beard isn’t nearly as itchy as you’d think.
5:30pm – Wanted to find a liquor store so I could keep getting bombed. Walked around NYC trying to find one without citysearch.com. Felt like I was an explorer, searching out new lands. Take that Ponce de Leon! Wonder if I could get people to call me “The Conquistador.”
7:30pm – Caught myself several times instinctively clicking on the Firefox icon, only to yell “For fuck’s sake, load you stupid bastard!” before realizing my mistake. Might need to find a substitute for this. I hear crackheads don’t spend much time on the web.
8:00pm – No idea how to find a crack dealer without google. So much for that idea. Switching to rubbing alcohol. Hmm, goes down easy.
8:30pm – If I had to find an emergency room without resorting to the web…shit, I better stop drinking this.
8:35pm – Eh, one more for the road.
9:30pm – Slight tick in my left eye. With the numbness in my right side, I now look like an extra from the video for “Thriller.”
Day 5
12:30pm – Fashioned a crude means of transmitting data via tying notes of 1′s and 0′s to pigeons outside my window. Got an image back with the text “LoLca..” underneath, no idea what it means.
3:30pm – Knocked on a few neighbors’ doors asking to use their internet connection, didn’t work. Fun fact, their reaction was very similar to the look of disgust on a woman’s face when asking to buy her a drink at a bar. Some confusion, a little pity, then just pure disdain.
6:30pm – Stood outside a Starbucks for half an hour oggling a 47 year old man with a Macbook surfing the web. Asked if I could get some of that. Punched in the face. That helped the nervous tick a bit.
Day 6
10:30am – Took apart my Xbox 360 in an attempt to fashion some sort of wireless device. Would’ve worked too had it not red ringed on me.
1:30pm – My computer is whispering to me. Apparently the other appliances were jealous of the time I was spending with it before D-Day. Worry they’re next to be cannibalized for net access. Threw my microwave out the window as a warning to the others.
2:30pm – The blender and the toaster are conspiring. It’s us versus them now, computer.
4:30pm – Refuse to enter my kitchen. “The Others” are to be feared.
9:00pm – Moved my computer into the bedroom. He gets the bed. It’s my turn to watch the door, he’ll take the second shift.
2:30am – He’s been through enough. I’ll let him sleep. Mustn’t let The Others get in.
4:30am – Suddenly smell burnt toast. It’s only a matter of time..
Day 7
8:00am – Didn’t sleep. That’s when they strike.
11:30am – All work and no internet makes Will a dull boy. Hehe, was watching The Shining to kill some time, man that’s a great movie. Still, much to be learned from it. Wish I had a hedge maze. Put an axe through my fridge to be sure it knows its place.
2:30pm – Soliciting my body on the street for a couple minutes of web access. No takers. Apparently no one liked the idea that “The computer likes to watch…”. He wasn’t going to join in or anything. Prudes.
7:00pm – Tomorrow. That’s when it comes. Salvation. God I just want to tweet once more!
Day 8
10:00am – Cable guy should be showing up any time between 10-2. Any minute now. Sat by the door for the last hour like a puppy waiting for its owner, but with far more slobbering. I may dry hump his leg afterwards.
10:01am – Where is this fucker already!?
10:02am – Called Time Warner Cable 3 times. Cursed out in 4 different languages. Gotta love overseas phone support.
12:00pm – I’m going to kill this cable man and wear his skin. Then I’ll control the internet!
1:00pm – Finally arrived. Tried to warn him about the fridge. Seemed unnerved, can’t blame him. The revolution will not be televised (because I won’t have cable access, obviously).
1:15pm – Went back to his truck for more supplies, didn’t return. I’d cry, but I don’t want to show weakness in front of the foreman grill. He’s the ringleader.
2:00pm – Called up Time Warner Cable again, promised them my firstborn son. They’re not the Devil, even he wouldn’t stoop to this level.
3:00pm – Another cable guy came back! Finally have internet access again! That was a scary couple of days. Apologized to the kitchen appliances, we’ve all come to terms.
3:05pm – Checking my mail. Message 1 reads “If you need to hop online, stop by my place.” Signed, my brother. Wish I’d thought of that.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Why didn’t you lobby for some of the stimulus package money? You were truly in a crisis (I’d describe you as a volcano in need of monitoring). Still, I’m glad you didn’t do anything you’d deeply regret later, like visit an internet cafe. It’s great that you patched things up with your appliances. That oven has stood by you during some tough times. You know your Game Boy doesn’t count as your “firstborn son,” right?