Dear 14 year old me,
You poor dumb bastard. You have no idea what you have in store for you, do you? Full of hope and youthful vigor, you’re raring to go, ready to get out there and take on the world. Meet a ton of cute girls, make a million dollars, grow past 5′. Well, only one of those came true, and you’re going to have to wait ’til you’re 16 for that one.
For starters, high school. You know all those douches you see around you? Yeah, they’re not hard to spot. I got news for you: they’re not going anywhere. Sure, they’ll have different names, but you’re still going to find smug pricks everywhere you go. 95% of what you’re busting your ass learning will be useful during jeopardy and perhaps trivial pursuit. Those zits? You’ve got another 6-8 years with them. Just as they start to fade away into manageability, your hairline will start sliding back as well. Think crypt keeper. Now, work him over with a 2×4 and then push him down some stairs. That’s a start.
Just cause you leave an all-guys high school when you’re 17 won’t mean you’re meeting ladies left and right, either. Ahh, yes, forced celibacy. Enjoy that little gem for a while. College? Don’t hold your breath. You’re not getting laid in college. It’s just not happening. The one plus side is that you’ll realize that fact very early on and compensate by playing a fuck load of video games. What’s that? You think you’re bound to find one girl at college who digs that? Right, moving on.
So now you’re 21 and you’re living in NYC. Let’s just sum up some other fun you can look forward to from here on out:
- Chasing a girl for way too long and turning into a giant bitch. You’ll embarrass yourself more times than you thought possible. Your vertical leap does benefit from years of jumping on command.
- The Simpsons going completely downhill. I didn’t believe it could happen either, but avoid any rooftops or cliffs until at least season 14, as you may have the uncontrollable urge to throw yourself off
- Almost every song you listen to now and for the next 7 years will suck, at which point only about half of the songs you listen to suck. Good Charlotte, really? I wish I could punch you in the head from here
- Every TV show you loved during your childhood will be raped by Hollywood. Invest early in Michael Bay effigies.
- Ignoring baseball during the 2004 season wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Neither would firebombing Fenway, but I’d rather not be in jail right now.
- You go mad from attempting to prove you really can believe it’s not butter, Apple Jacks really do taste like apples, and trying to find where the beef is, consequently spending 6 months in an asylum. Just kidding…or am I?
I better finish this off. I haven’t mentioned boobies in a while and you’re probably trailing off thinking about them. Keep that imagination active, you’re going to need it.
With a pat on the back and a kick in the ass,
Your 26 year old self
P.S.: Probably goes without saying, but when you get to be this age, you tend to act like a dick to teenagers. That’s actually a plus, as it’s a lot of fun, so you have at least one thing to look forward to.
