Phelps took a big hit, but his reputation wont.
There’s a lot of speculation that getting caught photographed using a bong will cause Michael Phelps to lose his endorsement deals. On the contrary, the incident makes Phelps appear human and normal, and therefore makes him more marketable. At the least, he’s a lock for High Times’ Athlete of the Year (sorry, Josh Howard). In truth, Phelps needs to embrace the stoner swimmer persona (it works for Matthew McConaughey). Vie for the Visine sponsorship. The only downside CA sees to is if he eats his gold medals because he thinks they’re chocolate wrapped in tin foil. Here are some of the ads we can expect to see soon featuring Phelps.
Visa. It’s everywhere you want to be…high. From Amsterdam to Afghanistan, no card is more accepted when purchasing drugs. When you’re on a trip and you need to trip, pull out your Visa.
Omega watches. It’s high time you get one. You’ll never miss 4:20 again. The cure for chronic tardiness.
Gatorade. When you’ve got cotton mouth, nothing quenches your thirst better. After you light up, Electrolytes rehydrate your body. Great purple taste.
Subway. $5 footlongs. For half the cost of a dime bag, you can get a delicious sandwich. Our food is low-cal, low-fat, so when you unintentionally eat three subs in a sitting after a bad case of the munchies, you don’t become a lardo like Jared used to be. Ingredients as fresh as your stash is.
Kellogg Co. (Phelps voiceover) A lot of people ask me how I won 8 gold medals in one Olympics. Simple: I ate my Wheaties. Hey, you ever notice how “wheat” sounds like “weed?” Weedies. Ha-ha. That’d be cool to eat special cereal for breakfast. What, Kellogg’s doesn’t make Wheaties? Then, what was I eating while I trained? Oh yeah, I remember…Froot Loops, Corn Pops, Honey Smacks, Raisin Bran — with those tiny little raisins that freaked me out– umm, Frosted Flakes, some Rice Krispies, Eggos, man, a lotta, Eggos…
Hilton Hotels. Our new Stoner Suite features no smoke detectors, no wake-up calls, three mints per pillow, blacklights, a pipe inside a hollowed-out Bible, monogrammed HH hemp robes and room service automatically delivered at 2 a.m. Take advantage of our complimentary concierge service. No matter where you stay in the world, they know the best local dealers with the premium pot you deserve. With all these perks, we promise it’s an experience you won’t soon forget — for at least 12 hours afterwards.
Speedo. No company makes you faster in the pool. But sometimes, on land, you want to take it slow. Introducing a new line of casual wear/hydroponic clothes for when you need to be high and dry. Just like those plants in your basement, we’re growing, too.
