Bush was bad, even on paper.

As per tradition, the outgoing President leaves the incoming one a letter in the White House, sharing some private and useful information to make the adjustment easier for the novice. CA managed to snag a copy of the document.

Yo Barack Barry,

We may not be best buds, but there are a couple of cold Bud Lights in the back of the fridge. Get it? Did you get my little ha-ha joke? Funny, right? I’m thinking about getting into comedy. Then the American people will see who’s the better Bush — me or Will Ferall Fairale Phairel – the “Talladega Nights” guy.

Anyway, that stuff got me through some rough spots. I never made a big decision or met the press without throwing back a few brews first. I’ll let you in on a little secret, my middle name is actually “Anheuser.”

You’ll want some food to go with that beer. The staff kitchen can make you anything you want, anytime. I’m serious. I recommend the T-bone steak. And bull’s testicles. Yup, I wouldn’t have made some of those ballsy moves without having a plate of bull’s nads a couple of days a week. Those guys deserve a Purple Heart and No-Bell Prize in cooking.

I heard you’re gonna close Gitmo. Can’t say it’s what I’d do, since I planned on sending Cheney there. That geezer scares the oil out of me. Even in a wheelchair.

He did have a message he wanted me to pass along. He said the country was going to collapse like a house of cards. Then he laughed for a long time.  I don’t know what it means, because unless the cards were giant and made out of like, steel and concrete, it seems impossible – but you’re a smart guy, so you’ll figure it out.

I know you wanna set a date for troop removal, but time tables are bad ideas. It took me awhile to learn mine and after fourth grade, I swore to never use time tables again.

We don’t agree on policies, but there’s no hard feelings on this end. I’m not prejudicious. I love black licorice, for example. There should be black Twizzlers, if you ask me. I wasn’t into grunge much, but “Black Hole Sun” rocked. Know what else I like? Black labs. They’re friendly. I wanted one, but the girls chose Barney instead. Also, I rode in a black Apache helicopter once and that was fun.

Everyone keeps saying “the economy’s in the toilet.” Maybe look into hiring that Joe plumber guy. I don’t know if the economy is in the crapper yet, but it sure did “sink” under me. That’s another one of my laugh lines. I’m getting better at this funny stuff, right?

It can get lonely being the President. You need to think a lot. Tap into your mind’s brain. I spent many days just thinking, ponderacating and watching “Wheel of Fortune.” That Vanna White is an American treasure.

One thing I tried to get done that never leaked out to the media was selling New Orleans to Mexico. Trust me, that’s a city this country would be better off without. Just disaster after disaster. And hard to get to, all down there. Full of Frenchies, too. We don’t need it.

As for me, I’ll still be a Decider. I need to pick out the books for my Presidential liberry. I don’t know what’ll be in there yet, but I know what won’t be. Harry Potter, ’cause it’s about evolution. People shouldn’t be told that one day they’ll have magical powers. It’s not right. It’s supposed to be a surprise. You just wake up one day and boom, you can do magic stuff. That’s the way God intended it. Also, there won’t be any of those 3-D hidden object books. Those hurt my eyes.

If you want to use any of your vacation days to help me clear some brush, that’d kick ass. Condi and I can’t do it by ourselves. She’s not a doctor of branch removology.

Like I said, it’s a tough deal being President and — don’t get stressed out by this – but you need to work at least three days a week on different duties. Laura told me to think of them as “chores” and that helped — ’cause I passed off the “chores” on Cheney, like 92 percent of the time. If you need anything, ask the Clintons. They seemed to have all the answers. Wish my 8 years had gone half as good as theirs. At least you won’t have your dad butting in constantly, asking you to read his lips and saying “winners don’t use drugs.” What a jackass.

How I see it, this country is kinda like a used car. Not in great condition, but it should run ok for the next couple of years. If not, well, all sales are final. You’re in charge of turning this lemon into lemonade. That was pretty poetical, so I’m gonna stop writing now, Obi-Wan. Heh-heh. That’s my nickname for you. I’m a big Star Wars fan. Most people don’t know that. I had hoped the Iraq war would be exciting and cool like those old movies, but instead it sucked like the prequels.

That reminds me, talk to that George Lucas guy about getting your Presidential light saber. All of us since Carter have had one. Might be the best perk of the job. Other than tapping the phone of the Playboy Mansion. Those girl’s say all kinds of freaky things.

See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya,

#43

G. W. A.B.

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