Ok, so I haven’t had the most extensive love life in the world. In fact, most people would call it borderline vow-of-chastity monk-in-the-antarctic crushed-my-testicles-in-a-horrible-work-related-accident kind of never getting some. But I have discovered in my travels that while some terms of endearment, like sex kitten, can be cute and playful, not all creatures in the animal kingdom work the same way.

Here’s a quick rundown of my experimentation with such:

“So we doin’ this or what?”

sex kitten – affectionate nuzzling
sex lolcat – I can haz booty?
sex puppy – doggystyle
sex goblin – only for D&D chicks, +2 to doin’ it
sex camel – more humps than sex llama
sex chipmunk – stares at you dramatically
sex raptor – will immediately leave to attack randall monroe
sex t-rex – will engage in witty observations, look for sexy makeouts
sex zebra – black and white and sexy all over
sex platypus – lots of confusion, you don’t know what the hell you’re fucking
sex seal – if she’s a loose seal, she’ll bite your hand off
sex porpoise – no reason for it (pun!)
sex fail whale – no one’s following your tweet after that
sex cougar – only works with older chicks
sex weasel – offers to “return the favor”, then leaves while you’re in the shower
sex panther – 60% of the time, works every time (other 40%, hosed down by Hazmat)

This entry was posted on Monday, January 12th, 2009 at 9:58 pm and is filed under random. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.