I think I’ve finally become that grizzled introverted recluse that would make J.D. Salinger look like Paris Hilton. Christmas music, blasting since Halloween, has officially ruined what spirit I usually manage to muster during December. Why can’t we play some halfway decent songs in stores these days? I don’t want to crap all over other people’s holiday season, but we really need a better class of songs.

That’s not to say there aren’t classic. With that in mind, quick run down of a few songs that need to be heard more often:

1) Elvis Presley – Merry Christmas, Baby
Starting off slow, but strong. He’s the King, after all.

2) Jonathan Coulton – Chiron Beta Prime
I don’t know how you celebrate Christmas without all powerful robotic overlords

3) Bruce Springsteen – Santa Claus is Coming to Town
If the Boss told you there’s a Santa Claus, you better fucking believe in Santa Claus.

4) Ben Folds – Bizarre Christmas Incident
Sorry Timmy, Santa’s dead in our chimney. If you hadn’t asked for those Pokemon cards, he might still be alive.

5) Frank Sinatra – Dreaming of a White Christmas
I didn’t want this on the list, as it is well worn, but Sinatra’s ghost visited me, along with Dino and Bing Crosby to show me the true meaning of being drunk at Christmas. Plus, he threatened me with his mob ties.

6) Adam Sandler – Chanukah Song
Fuck you hipster snobs, I don’t care if it was made into a shitty cartoon, you sang this song in the 90’s like the rest of us.

7) The Flaming Lips – Christmas at the Zoo
There, made it up to you guys, start jerking off to Wayne Coyne.

8) Sufjan Stevens – Put the Lights On The Tree
One you can probably sneak past your folks as well, but has some kinda goofy charm.

9) Jimi Hendrix – Little Drummer Boy
Electric guitars aren’t on enough Christmas albums, and who better than Jimi?

10) Weird Al Yankovic – The Night Santa Went Crazy
The sooner kids realize Santa is a psychotic violent man, the better.

Now’s your chance to tell me how much this list sucks and what songs I’m retarded for leaving out. Go.

If you were anything like me as a kid, you always dreamed of the day you could hang out with your favorite super hero or cartoon and go on cool adventures. And yes, unfortunately, we all had to grow up (perhaps you more so than I). That’s not to say I wouldn’t want to rock out with some of them today. So, with a nod to the fact that I’m destroying another small part of our collective adolescent innocence, here’s a quick run down of some of those icons that would totally kick ass to throw back a few drinks with.

1) Michelangelo – As my favorite ninja turtle, this is a no-brainer. It’s even in the theme song he’s a party dude. Raphael would be an angry drunk, Leonardo a buzzkill and Donatello would be the guy in a bar playing with his iPhone all night. Plus, chicks totally dig nunchakus.

2) Lion-o: I’m not even sure it’s legal to bring him into a bar, as he technically has the mind of a fifteen year old who was kept in a disabled stasis pod that failed to slow down his aging. But let me paint you a picture here: You’re sitting in a bar, having a drink and enjoying the night. Suddenly a group of drunk girls walk into the bar. Lion-O stands up and shouts “Hoooooooo!”. I don’t think I could ever get tired of that. That “sight beyond site” would probably be pretty cool for checking out girls at bars too.

3) The Hamburglar – It’s 3am. You’re coming out of a bar and none of you are cool to drive out to the Bell or any of the like. Bam, out comes Hamburglar, who has recently pilfered some late night snacks, courtesy of one Ronald McDonald. Fuck Mayor McCheese and his gestapo policies. You might have to bail him out of jail often, though.

4) Lady Jaye – Curve ball right here, but I’ll tell you why she’s key. You need that cool chick in your group, the one that you can have a brew with, who will laugh at your dumb jokes and play the female wingman. That’s Lady Jaye. Jem would be the stuck up girl who’s too good to come out to anything but a club and She-Ra seems to have that “I can totally beat you in arm wrestling” vibe, which is a little scary. Alternative could be Velma from Scooby Doo, but in all honesty, I don’t think I could resist the nerdy chicks. Moving on.

5) Willow – Every group needs a midget. Period. Magic tricks would be an awesome way of winning bar bets, too.

6) Bender – This is kind of a gimme. Who wouldn’t want a foul mouthed, thieving, beer swilling robot? And just to complete the trifecta, we’ve got a midget and a robot, now we need…

7) Furious George – A monkey! Slightly edges out Donkey Kong (Barrel throwing/princess kidnapping), King Kong (plane smashing/girl snatching) and Mr. Teeny (cigar smoking/roller skating) by the sheer fact you just can’t put a price on a good monkey knife fighter, though he will need most of your skin.

8) Han Solo – Another gimme. A pirating, gun slinging, princess swooning, space pilot who manages to be more of a bad ass than a dude who wields a light saber and the force. Always handy in a cantina. Shoots first (got that George?).

9) Iron Man – I know there are a ton of superheroes who would be great, but how can you turn down a super genius with his own gold plated ride? If that doesn’t pick up chicks, I dunno what will. Plus, he’s rich and, let’s be honest, kind of a pimp. Before you say Batman, remember he runs around in tights with little boys. Pedophilia is probably going to turn off 99% of women.

10) Kool Aid – I know what you’re thinking. “A giant bowl of juice?” But hear me out. What could be a better way to have a party than to have a walking glass pitcher filled with fruit punch and spiked with a little something extra? Besides, every party needs a big fat party animal! Quick conversation during the party:

You:”Hey Kool Aid, hit me up with another drink?”
KA: “OHH YEAAH!”
You: “So do you think I have a chance with that girl over there?”
KA: “OHH YEAAH!”
You: “Let’s get blacked out drunk and destroy this hotel room!”
KA: *smashes through wall* “OOHH YEAH!!”

Honorable mentions:
Duffman, Hulk Hogan (pre-Hollywood), Maverick from Top Gun (pre-Tom Cruise going crazy)

Noticeably absent:
Optimus Prime, and for that matter, any of the Autobots: You don’t want a giant, drunk tractor trailer on the highway.
He-man: No shirt, no service. Why would girls want hamburger (you) when they could have steak (“Master of the Universe”, who rides a giant saber-tooth tiger). That’s a tough act to follow.
Teddy Ruxpin – He sounded freaky enough when the batteries started to wear down, I’m sure getting boldly trashed would produce an even creepier effect. May corner you and talk your ear off with his never ending stories as well.
Gummi Bears – Can’t hold their liquor. You don’t need a bunch of drunk bears “bouncing here and there and everywhere”

Give ‘em Hill: “What, I didn’t win?!”

In what may have been a last-ditch effort to bring Amy Poehler back to SNL, President-elect Barack Obama has named his democratic rival in the race, Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State. Here are some other cabinet positions he considered her for:

Secretary of Sore Losers

Secretary of Dodging Imaginary Sniper Fire

Secretary of Pantsuits

Secretary of Former First Ladies During the Last Democratic Administration

Secretary of Tolerating Adultery

Secretary of Unaccomplished Universal Health Care Plans

I always love seeing mashups of my favorite nerdy things on the web and the weird joy that spawns from it. Not quite “euphoria” but there’s a distinct giddiness that wells up with this hodgepodge of cool geeky things. Oh cool, Wil Wheaton is talking to Jeph Jacques on twitter, awesome! And hey, Jonathan Coulton did a guest appearance on MC Frontalot’s new album. Web icons I’ve come to follow are following each other too, like some kind of secret internet dork society.

This feeling of “worlds colliding” is what I call Synerdgy (nerd + synergy). It’s that little connection being made in the back of your head when you see a combination of awesome things that are together more than the sum of their parts, yet have a distinct “uncoolness” to them. Quick breakdown of some basic elements to it:

1) nostalgia – anything that references something you knew growing up usually gets a +1 to funny. This is Family Guy’s bread and butter. Remove Thundercats, Back to the Future, hell, anything from before 1995 from the show and it becomes half as good. And let’s be honest, 90% of my posts. Van Damme’s current “career”.
2) ironic/twist – Seeing Rick Astley himself getting rickrolled. Pretty standard to jokes, but totally essential nevertheless.
3) meta humor – Anytime a character breaks the fourth wall to let you know it’s self referencing. For those Simpsons addicts, this would be like Burns getting shot and at the end of the first episode Dr. Hibbert points out to the camera and says “can YOU figure it out?” then quickly pans over to Chief Wiggum who responds “well sure, it’s my job”.
4) secrecy – It’s that little extra poke in the side you get when you’re the only one in a room full of people laughing. Probably a bit of smug superiority along with it as well. Usually not deserved, though. Think South Park’s episode on World of Warcraft.
5) random – When a combination makes absolutely no sense, and yet together they just rock. Like…a shark and a gorilla high fiving into an explosion:

Jumping back to Family Guy as an example, it’s exactly why the show was so great the first few times you see it. Easily, the first season incorporated at least 3 or 4 of these elements per show. Here’s the down side: soon enough this effect only becomes repetitive. Every person who said the show was better before it got canceled (except, of course, for the self-indulgent assholes who just say that to feel superior) instinctively know this. The Simpsons started canning this “wackiness” into premade bites after about season 9 or 10, which caused it’s own decline. So clearly there’s a point where your return on Synerdgy starts to level off. Randomness is lost to carbon copy jokes and popularization dulls the edge of inside jokes. Same thing with meta humor being repetitive and nostalgia no longer in the past (for the love of God I hope the “I love the 60’s-00’s people are reading this).

Just remember: If at any point you start enjoying the blog and then start to hate it, re-read this post. We’ve probably jumped the shark (or you’ve recovered from a head injury). But I’m meta-referencing it! So it’s funny all over again.

To celebrate my birthday, we’re releasing a little widget we’ve been tinkering with here at Concentrated Awesome for the last few months: one part YouTube, one part Pop Up Video, and a dash of MST3K. And what better way to start it off than with one of the early 90’s greatest music videos, Vanilla Ice’s Ninja Rap.

We’ll probably wind up releasing the js code when we’ve got something past an alpha version out, but for now, enjoy an early version, hit us up with some feedback on design, bugs, features, whatever you think. Just drop a comment down below or you can email me directly at wcgallego [at] gmail [dot] com. And hey, if you’ve got a video you think would be fun to run with, send that our way too.