Now that Barack Obama has won the Presidential race, it’s time to look ahead to a few of the specific changes he hopes to implement in the coming years. Here are some of the items on his agenda, as reported by the Republican National Committee.

Merge the Boy Scouts of America with NAMBLA

Create a new cabinet position for William Ayers: Secretary of Flag Burning

Replace apple pie with arugula

Allow the Pledge of Allegiance to have corporate sponsors (one Nation, under Time Warner Cable…)

Hang a banner on the White House front lawn that reads “Terrorists Welcome, No Appointment Necessary”

Demand the Dallas Mavericks become the “Socialists” (also, owner Mark Cuban must legally alter his name to “Marx Cuba”)

Have churches double as 7-11′s (you know what would go great with the blood of Christ? Some nachos!)

Higher taxes for all white people, welfare for everyone else

Move the nation’s capitol to San Francisco

Declare soccer the nation’s national pastime

Eliminate all yellow mustard, permitting only Grey Poupon

Force cats and dogs to marry

Make our troops abroad fight with Nerf guns, substituting Laser Tag vests for flak jackets

Scrap “Hail to the Chief” in favor of “Enter Sandman”

Leave every child behind — in an unstable Kentucky mine

Put Osama bin Laden’s face on the one dollar bill and order the public to call the currency “beard bucks” or “cave cash”

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 6th, 2008 at 2:19 pm and is filed under headlines. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.