Unlike most troglodyte Americans whose idea of keeping up with the news is seeing what abomination was popped out of the crotch from the latest B celeb on Entertainment Tonight and Dancing with the Stars, I’ve tried basing my choice for the new president on more than who “talks all purty like” or scares me the most into fearing brown people. Even still, both sides make some good points and it’s hard to wade through the lies and mudslinging. So, I’m going to make my decision the best way I know: comparing the candidates to 80′s pop culture.

Closest likeness to a character from Thundercats

Barack: Panthro (the black Thundercat, clearly). Handiness around the Cat’s lair is key.
McCain: Mumm-Rah, used to living in the box, probably just as ancient. Being afraid of your own reflection is no way to take down terrorists.
Edge: Obama

Star wars characters

Rebel scum!

McCain: Emperor Palpatine – Yeah he’s evil, but wouldn’t it be fucking cool to throw lightining from your fingertips?
Obama: Lando Calrissian – Bitches out for a while, but does eventually come back to kick some ass. Poor man’s han solo, personally. What? That doesn’t make me a racist! Seriously! I have lots of black friends! I have biggie on my iPod! I loved “What’s Happening”!
Slight edge: McCain. Huge loss to my credibility with our black audience. If we had an audience.

The Goonies: More likely to go searching for treasure

McCain: Drill, baby, drill. No qualms about digging up your backyard for some pirate booty. Willing to follow One-Eyed Willie “to the gates of hell”.
Obama: Would form a committee, organize a petition, and keep his home through legislative means. Probably donate any cool ass treasures to a museum. Fuck that.
Edge: McCain

Transformers the movie

Obama: Has convinced some people he’s the second coming, could probably get them to believe he holds the Autobot matrix as well. Four words: You’ve got the touch. That’d sure as hell get the country pumped.
McCain: Kup, the war veteran. Could diffuse many a situation with the universal greeting “Baa weep grahna weep ninny bong”. War stories may get boring fast
Big Edge: Obama

GI Joe

McCain: Probably Duke. Able to go in and kick Cobra’s ass. Might be a conflict of interest fighting against the cartoon equivalent of Dick Cheney, aka Destro. Would Palin then be Baroness? Hot.
Obama: That pinko commie liberal won’t be anywhere near a battlefield. You think Cobra Commander will sit down and talk? The only precondition he’ll give is “COBRA-LA-LA-LA!”.
Big Edge: McCain

What’cha gonna do when Obama-mania runs wild over you?

80s wrestlers

Obama: Probably Ric Flair, the “elitist” of the wrestling world. With his ability to whip a crowd into a frenzy, he could probably fit in Hulk Hogan’s red boots too. Quick tip for Obama: Raise your hand to your ear, then rip off your shirt during your next rally and show off the guns. Just don’t go “hollywood” on us.
McCain: Either Sgt. Slaughter, another veteran, or possibly the Ultimate Warrior. Might be hard to do piledrivers when you can’t lift your arms over your head, though.
Edge: Even money

Best 80s montage:

Obama: You can imagine the scene by scene cuts for Barack. Slow fade in, eye of the tiger blaring. Joe Biden yelling “You can’t do it, Barack! You can’t win!”.  Ends with a well versed in looking off into the distance future…
McCain: Do flashbacks to the war count?
Edge: Obama

Most likely to start another cold war

Obama: We need to start a dialogue with Russia, make sure we gather support from our NATO allies to amp up pressure, and let them know that we won’t allow unchecked aggression in that area of the world.
McCain: Fuck the commies!
Edge: McCain. Red Dawn? War Games? Rocky IV? Some of our best movies revolved around throwing down with the ruskies.

Verdict: So there’s no real winner here. But what’ve we learned? That if we can make tenuous connections between McCain/Bush or Obama/Terrorists, that we can do the same for the 80s. And isn’t that the most important thing of all?

No, it isn’t. Neither better fuck up the country any more than it currently is.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 10th, 2008 at 8:16 am and is filed under debate. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.