John McCain’s reasons for picking Sarah Palin are obvious, but why she accepted is less clear. Turns out, she was swayed by his words. Here’s the poem he wrote to woo her:

Drill, baby, Drill!

Dear Sarah,

I don’t mean to be a creep
But if you’ll be my veep
My approval rating will leap
Plus, your youth will stave off the grim reap.

No price is too steep
I’ll even buy Todd a Jeep
Soon, in the White House you’ll sleep
Telling women about the babies they must keep.

In most ladies, I go for asses
But there’s something about those glasses
They appeal to the masses
And conceal that you’re slow as molasses.

So you don’t believe in evolution
Or know the cause of pollution
You’ll learn the tricks of politics
From a self-named maverick

Pay no regard to the press
Can’t answer a question? Just guess.
I suggest, if under duress
Blame the Dems for this mess.

As a running mate
The public need not think you’re great
Besides, even if you fail
You won’t be worse than Cheney or Quayle.

Please accept this nom
Before my body they embalm
As the kids say, “You’re da bomb”
I want to puck you, hockey mom.

Lip-locked:
Cameron won’t get on the buss.

Kirk Cameron refuses to kiss anyone but his wife in front of the camera. Directors find him to be a growing pain-in-the-butt.

Better “Late Show” than never: John McCain appeared on David Letterman and apologized for canceling an earlier appointment on the program. He called his behavior a stupid vet trick.

She probably saw a different “Hancock”: A Hollywood madame alleges that Will Smith came to her requesting male prostitues.In light of her comments, filming for his latest project, “Men in Black Leather,” has been halted.

That’s Afrotainment: Turns out “Chocolate News” is a new sketch show starring David Alan Grier, not an informercial from Hershey’s. Color us confused.

Shoo shopping: A mismatched pair, indeed.

Microscoffed: If Jerry Seinfeld wasn’t in those weird Windows ads, he’d probably be asking what the deal with them was.

Crunch time: For every stolen base in the World Series, Taco Bell is giving away a taco to customers. And for bunts, free bundt cake.

He’s having the “Best Week Ever”: Regualr BWE contributor Paul F. Tompkins will take over as the lone host of VH1’s pop culture-skewering show. The folks at “The Soup” must be stewing.
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9:04 – According to McCain, we’re angry, said it 4 times within 10 seconds. Kinda happens when you’re…ya know, poor.

9:09 – At this point I’m hoping one of the questions is “raise your hand if you want to be president. Oh, sorry John, just kidding”

9:10 – We keep talking about Joe the plumber and his small business. I’d rather hear from Mario the plumber. “Senator Obama, what will you do about the Koopa problem?”

Living (poor) in America

9:11 – Noticed McCain isn’t wearing a flag pin again. I was hoping he’d come into the debate Apollo Creed style, dressed head to toe in stars ‘n stripes, disappointed.

9:13 – We’ve been talking about Joe the plumber for the last 5 minutes. What about Sapphire the stripper. “How am I supposed to afford cosmetic surgery? I had to go half way, one boob is a DD cup, the other is only an A! I can’t even afford my nightly bath in glitter and crappy perfume!”

9:14 – Schieffer : “Aren’t you both ignoring reality?” I thought that was the point of politics

9:15 – Haven’t heard Maverick yet. There are some sober people in the country who are not happy. What are you going to do for the drunk degenerates who need a reason to drink?

9:17 – “I’d get out a hatchet, then a scalpel”. Apparently McCain is today’s answer for Daniel Boone.
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Unlike most troglodyte Americans whose idea of keeping up with the news is seeing what abomination was popped out of the crotch from the latest B celeb on Entertainment Tonight and Dancing with the Stars, I’ve tried basing my choice for the new president on more than who “talks all purty like” or scares me the most into fearing brown people. Even still, both sides make some good points and it’s hard to wade through the lies and mudslinging. So, I’m going to make my decision the best way I know: comparing the candidates to 80’s pop culture.

Closest likeness to a character from Thundercats

Barack: Panthro (the black Thundercat, clearly). Handiness around the Cat’s lair is key.
McCain: Mumm-Rah, used to living in the box, probably just as ancient. Being afraid of your own reflection is no way to take down terrorists.
Edge: Obama

Star wars characters

Rebel scum!

McCain: Emperor Palpatine – Yeah he’s evil, but wouldn’t it be fucking cool to throw lightining from your fingertips?
Obama: Lando Calrissian – Bitches out for a while, but does eventually come back to kick some ass. Poor man’s han solo, personally. What? That doesn’t make me a racist! Seriously! I have lots of black friends! I have biggie on my iPod! I loved “What’s Happening”!
Slight edge: McCain. Huge loss to my credibility with our black audience. If we had an audience.

The Goonies: More likely to go searching for treasure

McCain: Drill, baby, drill. No qualms about digging up your backyard for some pirate booty. Willing to follow One-Eyed Willie “to the gates of hell”.
Obama: Would form a committee, organize a petition, and keep his home through legislative means. Probably donate any cool ass treasures to a museum. Fuck that.
Edge: McCain
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The match game: She’s usually a set up, not setup.

Tennis star Maria Sharapova recently auctioned off a night with herself for charity for $10K. CA offers a guide to increase the winning bidder’s chances of converting Sharapova from singles life to love-all.

Do compliment her backhand, but do not pay her backhanded compliments.

Brush up on your Russian. If there’s no time, at least order a White Russian and Russian salad dressing.

Snap all photos with a Cannon camera. Nothing shows you care like remembering a woman’s sponsorships.

Avoid sharing with her your tennis porn name, Andy Rawdick.

Leave the dreidel at home. She enjoys top spin, not spinning tops.

Don’t mention the unauthorized biography of her you’re working on, “It Ain’t (Sharap)ova ‘Til the Phat Lady Swings.”

Be attentive. She’s accustomed to excellent service.

Pick up the check. The world’s wealthiest female athlete, with an annual income of between $23-26 million, shouldn’t be expected to pay the bill.

Thanks to these helpful hints, it’s Advantage: You!