Product placement has become increasingly common and apparent in movies. It’s only a matter of time before companies pay to plug themselves and their goods in the titles of films to make sure they have the consumer’s attention. Here’s a list of flicks that, when a word or two is added, function as ads:

Cold Mountain Dew

A Few Good Just For Men

Cat on a Hot Tin Red Roof Inn

Some Like It Hot Pockets

Three Men and a Baby’s ‘R Us

Bright Lights, Big Circuit City

The Burger King and I

All the President’s Men’s Warehouse

A Raisin Bran in the Sun

Annie Hallmark

Do the Right Guard Thing

How the Nine West Was Won

Clearasil and Present Danger

AllState and Main

The Terminexator

Flagging love for his country: Howard will need to have a banner year.

Mavs forward Josh Howard has been taken to task after being captured on camera disparaging the “Star Spangled Banner” before a charity game. In his defense, he thought the song was biased, since it mentioned the Rockets.

O.J. In jail: A Russian tourist visiting Dubai was imprisoned for drinking juice in public during the day while Muslim fasting was taking place. Due to the unreasonable reaction, the city has now earned the nickname “Not-So-Sunny D.”

Comma join the celebration: Today is National Punctuation Day. That explains why my colon was acting up.

He also loved “The Land Before Time”: Roger Ebert addressed reports that he’s a Creationist, saying the allegation is untrue because otherwise he never would’ve been able to give “Jurassic Park” two thumbs up.

Now that’s tubthumping: A gas canister ruptured in downtown Bath, England. Residents of Bath want to put this incident to bed & move beyond it.

Come Night fall: Another “Unbreakable” would be unbearable.

Showing “Signs” of desperation: M. Night Shyamalan is considering making a sequel to “Unbreakable.”We don’t need a “Sixth Sense” to know that’s a bad idea.

Aiken to tell the truth. People magazine broke the news that Clay Aiken is gay. Other shocking truths revealed in the latest issue: the sun rises in east, water is wet.

A Doc Rivers runs through it: President Bush welcomed the Boston Celtics, the latest NBA champs, to the White House. He said meeting the team reminded him of his school days, when he often received C’s.

Ale call: Police in Manitowoc County, Wisconsin are searching for vandals pouring beer in citizens’ mailboxes. When they’re caught, here’s the headline: Milwaukee’s Bust.

It could be met with some Venom: Marvel Comics announced that Spider-Man is being adapated into a musical. Theater-goers will have to wonder if it’s their spider sense tingling or their gay-dar.

How to tell the economy’s in the commode: Florida man Vince Denimarck has a business custom-building outhouses that sell for thousands of dollars. Up next, a show on HGTV: Trick my Toilet.

Meg forgiveness:The top trait Ryan looks for in a man is “A Beautiful Mind.”

She’s Croweing about it: Meg Ryan has admitted to having an affair with Russell Crowe. She also confesses that in bedroom he was “Master and Commander.”

Urine the wrong town: David Blaine responded to critics who think his taking ten minute breaks every hour from his hanging marathon in Central Park is cheating, saying, “I’m not going to pee all over myself to satisfy those people.” Then just disappear already.

She makes out just fine: Kate Hudson recently said “I like to prepare for love scenes with lots of rehearsal.” Too bad doesn’t put any work into her other scenes.

Babbling Brooke: Brooke Hogan, in an interview with Howard Stern, conceded she had no clue who the current Vice President is. She has Republican leanings, since she doesn’t like things to be heavily taxed. Her brain, for example.

For every innovative idea, there are many poorly-planned imitations that attempt to capitalize off the success of the original. Here are a five websites that tried to copy concepts, but met with disastrous results.

youtubesock.  Grainy videos of quirky foot coverings didn’t knock anyone’s socks off.

stuffwhitesupremacistslike.  After 10 items, the list ran dry. Not a group that’s fond of much.

icanhascheezburgerlargefriesandfountainsoda.  Pictures of cute, but exceedingly overweight cats. No one finds feline diabetes adorable.

facemagazine.  Those too shallow or without the attention span for facebook already had the perfect solution: myspace.

wickipedia. There’s only so much information that human brain can hold about candles. So far, no bloggers are waxing nostalgic about its demise.

What’s swine is yours: Palin’s been hogging the spotlight lately.

Barack Obama has caught a great deal of criticism for his “lipstick on a pig” comment. As much as he’s being dragged through the mud like the aforementioned animal, it could’ve been worse. Here are a few alternatives his speechwriters suggestions, which all relied on alliteration for some reason:

Eyeliner on an elephant

Rouge on a rooster

Lotion on a lizard

Mousse on a moose

Perfume on a panda

Mascara on a monkey

Foundation on a ferret

Blush on a bear

Concealer on a cougar

Powder on a puma

Gel on a giraffe

Wrinkle cream on a wallaby

6:30 a.m.  Woke up early, went to tanning salon. Focused on neck. Made sure it was good and burnt before I left.

7:45 a.m. Ate a tube of uncooked Jimmy Dean sausage for breakfast. It’s the Wheaties of the South.

8 a.m.  Honed the most important part of my act: my ’stache. Firmed, fluffed and buffed it. Who says I’m not the Burt Reynolds of stand-up?

10 a.m. Shrunk jeans until nothing could be left to the imagination. Suppressed painful memory of Wrangler model audition from 22 years ago.

11:30 a.m. Picked up shirts from cleaners. Pleased to see all collars remain blue.

12:20 p.m. Bill Engval called *ugh* to try out a few new jokes. Doesn’t he know his material, moustache are lesser than mine? Resisted the urge to shout through the receiver “Here’s your sign: You suck.”

1:40 p.m. Felt inspired, wrote two new jokes. Here goes: Dictator — a penis-shaped potato. If Herr’s and Lay’s ever combined, to form Herr Lay, they’d probably produce a dictator.

 Catatonic — What dogs order at the bar. Hey barkeep, can you get me a catatonic, I’ve had a “ruff” (get it?) day.

2 p.m. Chuckled at my own cleverness. Should call myself the Country Carlin.

2:25 p.m.  Ron White stopped by in a panic. Reassured him I’d will any remaining liquor in my cabinet to him when I pass away.

2:35 p.m. Febreezed the living room so it no longer smelled like a distillery.

4 p.m. Out for a few drinks with Larry the Cable Guy. Had to stop him from hog-tying the Mexican busboy and justifying by saying he’s an “asshole-o american-o.” Shut him up by reminding him of the box office receipts from “Delta Farce.”

7 p.m. Came home. Tried to guess which killed more brain cells: drinking with Larry or talking to him.

7:20 p.m. Dinner. Pot roast and Cool Ranch Doritos.

7:50 p.m. Wondered if I was actually smarter than a fifth grader. Realized it doesn’t matter, since the show’s on Fox. I bet Ryan Seacrest doesn’t have a GED.

8:20 p.m. Called network. Argued with studio execs again about changing the show’s title to “Red State Jeopardy!” Other suggestion, “Wheel of Dumbasses,” also nixed.

9:40 p.m. Wrote an anonymous, threatening letter to Rodney Carrington. Pointed out the shoddy stitching on his boots. Best line was his shoes, like his act, need polish.

11 p.m. Kissed my miniature American flag, cousin goodnight. Rolled over, went to sleep.

Blitz and glamour: With Brady hurt, opposing teams will have fun storming the Cassel.

Now that Tom Brady is out for the season, how will he spend his substantial leisure time? We’re assuming he’s not a World of Warcraft or patchwork quilt kind of guy. A few ideas:

Dwell on the silver lining: No more helmet hair.

Start a second career as a news anchor under the assumed name Tom Brokeaww.

Launch an athletic injury consultation firm, Knee to Know Basis.

Penn a book of pigskin ponderings, First and Zen. If time, plan a follow-up, Passing Thoughts.

Open an animal shelter, Tom’s Cats.

Inquire about any positives to immobility with Drew Bledsoe.

Collaborate with The Who on an updated, biographical version of “Tommy.”

Start a hair extension business, Brady’s Braids.

Watch a nonstop marathon of “The Brady Bunch.”

Endorse the GPS TomTom. Imply strongly that the product will help you find supermodels, success. Slogan: When you’re feeling directionless, reach for the Tom you can trust.

In an effort to bolster her platform and rally the conservative base, Palin has declared a Holy War against game designer Will Wright.

Wright, best known for being the brains behind such classic games as The Sims, has recently released the game Spore, in which players are assigned the task of taking a single celled creature and developing the species into more evolved creatures. Palin, a strong advocate of creationism, has not minced words with the game designer.

“Clearly, Spore is just another attempt from the left wing liberals to perverse God’s plan”, said Palin. “Only the Lord could possibly design such wondrous creatures as giant penis monsters or creatures with butts for eyes.” The VP candidate also has comments on Wright’s previous roles in the game world. “This hasn’t been the first time Wright has tried to corrupt our children. Games such as ‘The Sims’ have led children to believe they too can play God with the simple click of a mouse. I can’t confirm, but I have reason to believe Bristol was tricked into conceiving her child after several sessions with the game and her boyfriend”.

There has been some happy medium between the two, though. Says Palin, “The one game I did find amusing was Simcity. It’s fun to actually run a city with a population greater than 9,000! Much cheaper to build these bridges that go to nowhere too. I just wish they would let you build more than 10 oil derricks to each inhabitant”.

Wright only had a short statement to make in response. “Foolish mortals! The hellfire burns with each new copy of Spore that is purchased! Soon, you will all become like the fallen as you learn about the wonders of evolution through point and click play! Learn all the dark secrets of the underworld as your creature sings and dances to make friends with other creatures! Post your own designs on the Sporepedia and give your soul to Lucifer!” With the undying shriek of thousands, the designer then vanished in a sulfuric puff of smoke.

He may have been “The Pacifier,” but he can’t keep his director quiet.

Mathieu Kassovitz, the director of the new movie Babylon A.D., has disparaged his own work, calling it, “pure violence and stupidity.” In other words, a quintessential Vin Diesel vehicle.

 Oh, snap: Photographer Annie Leibovitz owes over $700K in various unpaid bills. Sounds like the next picture she’ll be part of is a mug shot.

From surgical gloves to golden gloves: Laurie’s House enjoys taking jabs at others.

Fight doctor: House’s Hugh Laurie has been boxing to keep slender. It’s fitting, since his character is very punchy. Wonder if he also works out much with a medicine ball.

 Are traditionalists OK with it? IIt could soon be Tesla for Tulsa. Oklahoma is letting its citizens vote on an official state rock song. It was bound to happen Sooner or later.

Linus needs his blanket now more than ever.

 Good grief: Bill Melendez, the main animator of “Peanuts” famous cartoon specials, has passed away. Charlie Brown is so distraught he’s seeking counseling from someone other than Lucy.

  David’s not spayed: David Spade confirmed he’s the father of a baby girl born to a former Playboy playmate. The couple is not married, but plan to figure out “The Rules of Engagement.”

 In acting, he’s wet behind the ears: Michael Phelps will have a guest role on “Entourage.” So far, he’s lapping up all the extra attention.

Hard to believe he was just “one man.”

If only we could’ve heard his preview of Heaven before he entered: Movie trailer voiceover legend Don LaFontaine has died. We’re not sure we can continue on “In a world” without him.

 She sure could use a Bodhi: Amy Winehouse has converted to Buddhism. She must’ve misunderstood the term “pot-belly.”

George Lazenby: The equivalent of New Coke.

 From hero to Zero: Coke Zero has paid $10 million to have product tie-ins to the new James Bond movie. We’re shaken, but a better brand choice would’ve been 007-Up.

 That’s not kosher: Neighbors in a Hasidic Jewish part of Brooklyn are upset over a billboard for the new 90210 show because it shows men and women swimming together. We’d be offended if we were forced to look at a 30-foot tall image of Shannen Doherty, too.

McCain must’ve mixed up his meds. It’s the only feasible explanation for his selection of the unknown and inexperienced Sarah Palin, a self-described “hockey mom,” who knows more about forechecking than checks and balances, and admitted she’s as unfamiliar with the daily duties of the vice president as she is with a short winter. Banking on a female from Fairbanks is a bad move. Here are three figures with similar names who would be more suited for the role of VP.

And now for someone completely different…

Michael Palin. The “Holy Grail” of candidates. Intellectual, but has a sense of humor, plus extensive experience in international affairs, authoring seven travel books. Not for expanding government, though would push for the establishment of a Ministry of Silly Walks. Can lie to conservatives and say “The Meaning of Life” is an anti-abortion documentary.

You can bet she’ll have a joke about stuffing her ballot box.

Sarah Silverman. With Joe Lieberman already on McCain’s side, locking up the elderly Jewish vote, she could bring young Jews in. Can convince the religious right that “Jesus is Magic” is a Christian educational film.

She could Carrie McCain to a win.

Sarah Jessica Parker. Not a darkhorse, but very horse-like nonetheless. So long as she stays in character from her famous sitcom, can sway legions of women to flock to her and mindlessly do as she commands. Has the potential to pique the interest of journalists,  provided she remains true to the character. Campaign slogan could be: She loves heels. He’s a shoe-in for the job. Opening line for a memorable speech would be, “I couldn’t help but wonder if Obama is a secret Muslim who despises freedom and supports the terrorists.”  Let’s hope she doesn’t start referring to McCain as Mr. Big.

Solid as a 30 Rock.

Bonus choice: Tina Fey. Besides being a Palin look-alike, Fey would remain in consistent contact with the public, providing a regular “Weekend Update.” Would have all her political polling conducted by close friend Amy Poehler, for the purposes of punning. Would reduce unemployment slightly by giving lousy former SNL castmembers Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz and Chris Kattan jobs, forming a Cabinet of Crappy Comedy.

1. Because you can only look at McCain for so long.
2. Clearly her 17 year old daughter puts out, could run in the family.
3. Maybe she’ll do some jumping jacks, that’ll distract us from the war for a while.
4. Like the hot high school teacher you never got to nail.
5. It’s cold in Alaska. Gotta start warm somehow.
6. Not quite as hot as Grandma Biden, but damn close.