Watching the presidential race kinda makes me wish I’d jumped in myself, but since I don’t know how to lead, I’m not smart enough, and I’m a borderline drunk (Ok, I guess I could’ve run considering the last few presidents we’ve had), here’s a basic rundown of what my platform would have been:

• First and foremost, whenever I’d make any public appearances, I’d be followed by a band playing squeely guitars that shoot sparks. I may have an 80’s mullet or a porn stache (or both!), but that’s for the voters to decide.
• Free medicare for anyone wishing to replace their arms/hands with a chainsaw, hook, or some sort of robotic limb (excluding lasers, that’s just silly)
  
• DHS will be on 24/7 Zombie watch and would be headed by Bruce Campbell. First order of business: putting all old people on the list. I’m looking at you, Florida. New campaign slogan: Goodnight Gainesville Grampas
• Anyone whose last name ends in “man” (Goldman, Neumann, etc) must become a superhero. I can’t wait to see what kind of powers “Friedman” has (sounds like he might put KFC out of business)
• Throw a hardcore lesbian film splice a la Fight Club into every chick flick. Even if it’s only picked up by the subconscious, the guys get a little something extra out of watching the films and you can’t argue the outside chance that it causes women everywhere to start digging the 3 way
• Dennis Kucinich would be made a member of my cabinet, VP, something. I know he’s bat shit crazy, but if someone who looks like a gnome can still get a wife that hot, he has to know something. (ed. note from Marc: like Ross Perot, but replacing charts and graphs with hot chicks!)
• New position in the cabinet: Prank Monkey. Any bad news delivered by the president will be followed by wacky hijinks afterwards, courtesy of the PM. Might have to have an actual monkey as a sidekick (it worked for Clint Eastwood)
• Men are no longer allowed to be such dicks that they catcall every girl on the street. That being said, ladies if you wear a shirt with a lot of cleavage, have something written on your ass, or are wearing little less than a bikini outside of a beach or swimming area, men are allowed to openly stare at whatever you got. Hooters restaurants, being a “gray area” will be a franchise based decision. Have something written on your ass? If you want people to read so badly, you now must make a career out of it and become a librarian.
  
• As a corollary to that: Ladies, please remember that belly shirts are a privilege, not a right. Dudes, if you are rocking more hair than Chewie, it is against the law to wear a wife beater or muscle shirt. Also, you must actually have muscles. But you don’t have to beat your wife, that’s still frowned upon.
• Oprah Winfrey will be the spokesperson for my presidency, because apparently no matter what race, creed, gender, etc. you fall into, everyone across America automatically does exactly what she says. You can do better than book clubs, Oprah.
• Poet Laureate: The Front. Killer Rhymes + Nerdiness = exactly what this country needs
• The armed forces need someone to rally behind, someone to get them in order, and there’s only one person who can do it: Sgt. Slaughter. If he can kick Falcon’s ass into shape, then imagine what he could do for the rest of the US Army.
• Lastly, I’m going to need some muscle backing me as Secret Service and who better than washed up action stars? Currently thinking Don “The Dragon” Wilson and Steven Seagal. Intimidating, sure, but if they take a bullet, It’s not like there’s going to be a national day of mourning either, right?

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 9th, 2008 at 11:25 pm and is filed under random. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.