With the recent passing of comics George Carlin and Bernie Mac, we wondered why the Grim Reaper couldn’t have delivered the last laugh to a few in the profession who would be missed far less, if at all.

Sharp suit, dull wit: With Kimmel, humor is all relative.

Jimmy Kimmel. For consistently getting buried in the ratings by the competition and your incessant nepotism, in your final show you should be buried alive by Cousin Sal, Uncle Frank and Adam Corolla. Ben Stein will deliver the eulogy, so everyone will stop listening after no more than 45 seconds.

Kathy Griffin. Prepare to join another D-List: Death.

Jeff Foxworthy. Ever resourceful, he would become the first to publish a joke book directly from Hell, “You Might Be a Deadneck…”

Soy vey: This is as saucy as she gets.

Margaret Cho. The Cho mustn’t go on. You can return to the land of the living when you write a joke that doesn’t make fun of your mother or discuss your sexual escapades (there are yuks and there are yucks). Until then, you’ll be forced to hear a tape on loop of Dave Attell calling you a skank, hitting on you, then striking a gong.

Larry the Cable Guy. It’s time to cut the cable for good. Git-R-Dead.

Who will Barack Obama pick as his running mate? It’s a question in dire need of an answer. The list of acceptable candidates is growing slimmer by the day, with John Edwards divulging his affair with a staffer and Hillary still far too bitter over her loss. Concentrated Awesome has found a true outsider with much Acclaim, who’s prepared to play the often dirty political game and engage in vicious Kombat in order to win: Baraka.

 Putting the ‘pain’ in “campaign”: He’ll insure a flawless victory come November.

Here are his credentials:

Clawed his way to the top, literally.

He’s ruled Outworld — doesn’t that qualify him to nearly run the country?

 McCain may be a decorated veteran, but Baraka’s fought for his realm and his soul.

History-making choice. Would be the first crossbred mutant marauder warrior to assume the position. His strikingly alien background would distract from Barack’s own other-ness.

Can’t be any scarier or more evil than Cheney (he won’t shoot people in the face, though he’ll probably decapitate a few folks, which will show he’s tough on national security).

Will work to restart and follow-through on the “Vote or Die” campaign.

Plans to appoint old acquaintance Sub-Zero as head of the EPA to stave off global warming.

Has zero familiarity with our nation’s laws, the structure of the government or the boundaries of the office and has no plans to learn them (it served the current administration well)

If Baraka declines, there’s a substitute colleague waiting in the wings who Obama only has to alter his slogan slightly for: Change we, Kano, believe in.

Janos Baranyai dislocated his elbow on Tuesday at the Beijing Olympics while trying to power lift 148kg. Shifting slightly, his elbow fell apart as did his hopes for appearing on a Wheaties box. In solidarity, we’d like to offer some alternatives he can promote:

1. Coors Light – Crack open a cold one
2. Slim Jim – snap in to it
3. Kit Kat – break me off a piece
4. And, of course Rice Krispies – Snap, Crackle, Pop!

Failed movie ideas: Panda Express.

After the success of Harold & Kumar, why not tie-in another real food chain in a tale of two stoners?

Mein characters: Rogen and Franco are dead men woking.

For Dale Denton, a process server who gets high while working and dates a high schooler, life is sweet. Then suddenly, it gets sour. Dale is about to find something terrifying in the Teriyaki sauce. Dale (Seth Rogen), fresh off picking up some pot from his dealer, Saul (James Franco), stops at his favorite mall food court eatery, Panda Express, after smoking up in the parking lot, and accidentally witnesses an employee adding MSG to the cuisine. Most shocking of all, the shipment was supplied by a police officer. Convinced the worker caught him observing, Dale hurries back to Saul’s place and the pair go on the run, searching for safety against the rangoons of a ruthless restaurant that values preserving its secret even more than its food. The pair, who forge a friendship fleeing, soon realized it’s their duty to inform the public it’s been bamboozled by a pernicious Panda. Proving they’re not chicken anymore, Dale and Saul fight back, General Tso-style, to take out the bad guys. And with a little good fortune, these tough cookies just might prevail. Get ready for Kung Pow action with Panda Express!

From Bad Boy to burger boy: Diddy loves to sample, but not cheap food.

 We’re sure you’ve seen ads for the least plausible endorsement around: Puff Daddy plugging for Burger King. A multimillionaire known to brag about tasting the finest food and drink the world has to offer, pulling up to the window in his chauferred Bentley for a $1.50 burger — that’s a Whopper if we’ve ever heard one. Maybe Notorious B.I.G. could’ve pushed the product believably or any other rotund rapper (Fat Joe, Heavy D, Queen Latifah et alt.).

Here are some other hip hop figures who might be interested in big chains – fast food ones, that is.

Ludacris and KFC. He did name one of his albums “Chicken-n-Beer,” plus he has a fixation with breasts and thighs. And the lyrics from “Stand Up” can easily be reworked to form a commercial jingle, “Eat Up.” Sample: When I chew, you chew, just like that. We’re sure he can find a colorful phrase that rhymes with “bucket.” Slogan: He’s bling, bling. We’re wing, wing.

Southern fried hospitality: Make mine extra Ludacrispy.

Papa John’s and Lil’ John. Does he want a piece of the food endorsement pie? YEAH! Is his language saltier than the toppings? YEAH! Is his gimmick cheesier than a parmesan-ricotta-mozzarella blend? YEAH! A special Crunk crust has grain alcohol baked right into the bread. Also, orders of 2L of soda will come with a set of pimp cumps. Slogan: Papa John’s – Sink your gold teeth into it.

Jon Dough: The only Dominos he likes involves tiles.

 Snoop Dogg and McDonald’s. There’s gold to be harvested from those arches. For a franchise as world-famous as McDonald’s, they need a rap icon. Both Snoop and McDonald’s have had a lot of beefs and have coasted by on reputation alone for years. A total urban image makeover is possible for the newly named McDoggald’s, including renaming all items of the menu in Snoop’s slang. Chicken McNizzles, Egg McMizzuffins and customers will have the option of “Doggystyling” their combos, replacing the fries with an ounce of weed and substituting soda for a mixture of gin and juice. Additionally, Grimace will be called Purple Haze and the Hambizzurglar will be celebrated as a hero for stealing. Slogan: I’m lizzovin’ it!

If they can’t land Snoop, McDonald’s next best bet is to go for 90′s nostalgia and recruit Kriss Kross. Who better to sell the Big Mac than the Mac Daddy and Daddy Mac?

Fo’ sizzle, my nizzle: From drive-bys to drive-throughs.

 Pitbull and Taco Bell. He’s Latino and foreign dogs have worked well as spokesman for the company in the past. If the up-and-comer wants more ice, he’ll have to sell some rice. The partnership can launch a new line of Crunch Raps. And try the Nach-Yos. Slogan: He barks. You bite. Backup plan: Bow Wow (Slogan: Wow. Tacos.)

Putting the ‘chill’ in “chilli.”

 Eminem and White Castle. Both stand out in their industries, with a certain inaccessible mystique surrounding them. Em, who referenced White Castle in his breakout single, “My Name Is,” loves to dress up and he could become the costumed White Knight, atop a white horse, carrying a sack of sliders on his lance to the hungry. Slogan: Don’t get in his grill. Come to ours instead. Alternate: Make it a great night with the White Knight. Backup: Vanilla Ice (Slogan: He’s still around. So are we.)

White hot rage: Like a small patty, he steams easily.

Watching the presidential race kinda makes me wish I’d jumped in myself, but since I don’t know how to lead, I’m not smart enough, and I’m a borderline drunk (Ok, I guess I could’ve run considering the last few presidents we’ve had), here’s a basic rundown of what my platform would have been:

• First and foremost, whenever I’d make any public appearances, I’d be followed by a band playing squeely guitars that shoot sparks. I may have an 80′s mullet or a porn stache (or both!), but that’s for the voters to decide.
• Free medicare for anyone wishing to replace their arms/hands with a chainsaw, hook, or some sort of robotic limb (excluding lasers, that’s just silly)
  
• DHS will be on 24/7 Zombie watch and would be headed by Bruce Campbell. First order of business: putting all old people on the list. I’m looking at you, Florida. New campaign slogan: Goodnight Gainesville Grampas
• Anyone whose last name ends in “man” (Goldman, Neumann, etc) must become a superhero. I can’t wait to see what kind of powers “Friedman” has (sounds like he might put KFC out of business)
• Throw a hardcore lesbian film splice a la Fight Club into every chick flick. Even if it’s only picked up by the subconscious, the guys get a little something extra out of watching the films and you can’t argue the outside chance that it causes women everywhere to start digging the 3 way
• Dennis Kucinich would be made a member of my cabinet, VP, something. I know he’s bat shit crazy, but if someone who looks like a gnome can still get a wife that hot, he has to know something. (ed. note from Marc: like Ross Perot, but replacing charts and graphs with hot chicks!)
• New position in the cabinet: Prank Monkey. Any bad news delivered by the president will be followed by wacky hijinks afterwards, courtesy of the PM. Might have to have an actual monkey as a sidekick (it worked for Clint Eastwood)
• Men are no longer allowed to be such dicks that they catcall every girl on the street. That being said, ladies if you wear a shirt with a lot of cleavage, have something written on your ass, or are wearing little less than a bikini outside of a beach or swimming area, men are allowed to openly stare at whatever you got. Hooters restaurants, being a “gray area” will be a franchise based decision. Have something written on your ass? If you want people to read so badly, you now must make a career out of it and become a librarian.
  
• As a corollary to that: Ladies, please remember that belly shirts are a privilege, not a right. Dudes, if you are rocking more hair than Chewie, it is against the law to wear a wife beater or muscle shirt. Also, you must actually have muscles. But you don’t have to beat your wife, that’s still frowned upon.
• Oprah Winfrey will be the spokesperson for my presidency, because apparently no matter what race, creed, gender, etc. you fall into, everyone across America automatically does exactly what she says. You can do better than book clubs, Oprah.
• Poet Laureate: The Front. Killer Rhymes + Nerdiness = exactly what this country needs
• The armed forces need someone to rally behind, someone to get them in order, and there’s only one person who can do it: Sgt. Slaughter. If he can kick Falcon’s ass into shape, then imagine what he could do for the rest of the US Army.
• Lastly, I’m going to need some muscle backing me as Secret Service and who better than washed up action stars? Currently thinking Don “The Dragon” Wilson and Steven Seagal. Intimidating, sure, but if they take a bullet, It’s not like there’s going to be a national day of mourning either, right?

Sir Charles of the round table: He likes big helpings and helping big.

Charles Barkley has agreed to pay the college tuition for a busboy at a Philadelphia eatery he frequents. Usually, it’s the staff who brings the cusomter free bread, not vice-versa.

Fly ball

In July, over 200 people volunteered to eat a beetle for admission to a party deck with unlimited food and drink at a Madison Mallards minor league baseball game. They were immediately stricken with a stomach bug.

Hole different image: McBrain’s a new cymbal of British golf.

4-Iron Maiden

Golfer Nick Faldo has hired Iron Maiden drummer Nicko McBrain as a motivator for the British Ryder Cup team. Wonder how Faldo was able to snare him.

Bad pub-licity

An Australian rugby player has been accused of peeing on a bar patron. It’s unclear why he didn’t just go outback.

Flip out

Former Olympic gymnast Dominique Moceanu has been speaking out against what she’s labeled the dark side of the sport in America. Critics accuse her of getting on her high pommel horse.

Don of a new day

Seems there’s no room in soccer for a bunch of wise guys. Police in Italy arrested seven members of an organized crime group that were attempting to buy a soccer club with laundered money. New ownership might have boosted attendance. Some speculated the stadium would’ve been mobbed.

Tables turned over

A former ECW wrestler known as “The Sandman” was arrested in New York after he began hurling glasses in a restaurant at employees. He now faces the sands of hard time

No Shock: It’s the same old story of an athlete unable to let go

Nancy drew a paycheck

Step aside, Larry Johnson, there’s a new Grandmama hooping it up. Nancy Lieberman recently returned to the WNBA with the Detroit Shock at the age of 50. Inspired by her message that age knows no limits, Senator Joe Liberman is making a bid for the NBA.

Knock on Wood

Injury-prone pitcher Kerry Wood has been placed on the disabled list for the 12th time in his career. Considering, his frailty, if he were actually wood, he’d be balsa.

Doesn’t ring true

It was recently discovered that the Steelers Super Bowl IX rings from 1975 have the wrong final score from a first-round playoff game versus Buffalo inscribed on them. Pittsburgh’s total was correct, but Buffalo was shorted seven points. Talk about being sold a Bill of goods.

Greece his palm

Forward Josh Childress is yet another NBA player to leave for an overseas team this offseason, signing with an Athens club. The decision is all Greek to the Atlanta Hawks.

Bid Adu

Freddie Adu will suit up for a French soccer club next season. He scored only three goals with his previous foreign team, meaning this switch could be much Adu about nothing.

Captial offense

Washington wing Alexander Ovechkin recently related a story of escaping a fine for speeding after being recognized by a cop, then giving the officer 10 tickets to a game (that’s not a bribe, that’s an insult.) Even when Ovechkin’s not on the ice, he’s allowed to skate.

Give ‘em Mel: Seattle is still Mad to the Max over losing its pro hoops team.

Thunderstruck

Oklahoma City, not to content to rain on Seattle’s parade, by absconding with its franchise, has decided to take a cue from the showery city by naming its NBA squad the Thunder. Hope they call the arena the “Thunderdome.”