The Dark Knight confirmed what many believed after the success of Batman Begins: Batman is boffo at the box office. However, star Christian Bale was arrested recently for verbally assaulting his mom and sister, leaving actors who’ve played the title character in past movies, some slim hope of returning to the franchise. The following are each’s pitch for playing the part again, tying in themes from other movies they’ve made.

Christian bail: Was he prepping for another American Psycho?

George Clooney. Dark Knight and Good Luck. A respected anchor by day and a secret superhero by night. Tags: He doesn’t just read the news, he makes it. Finally, a hard-hitting journalist.

Val Kilmer. Top Bat Gun. Kilmer reprises his two most famous roles, playing protagonist and antagonist, as Batman and Iceman. Tag: He flys a black jet. He flys in jet black.

Michael Keaton. Batiplicity. Keaton, unable to single-handedly stop crime in Gotham City and distrustful of others, clones a cadre caped crusaders. Tag: He’s Batmen.

Clearly out of new ideas, Comedy Central has resurrected “The Gong Show.” Here’s our pitch for a spin-off that executives would have a tough time puffing and passing on.

 The Bong Show

This program contains high levels of THC: Totally Humorous Content!

Do you enjoy Letterman’s “Stupid Pet Tricks”? Then you’ll love the stupid pot tricks on The Bong Show with Tommy Chong. The Bong Show asks the question: How low will you stoop while getting high?

Stoners with special talents, step forward. Contestants will get wacky with the wacky tobacky as they compete for a chance to swap schwag for schwag. Prizes include free lifetime key replacement, a year’s supply of Doritos, a half-dozen black lights with complimentary installation and hanging out for an afternoon with Dave Chapelle. Unlike other prizes involving promised celebrity visits, Dave is guaranteed to not blow you off because he’s still under contract, so if he wants to get paid, he’ll show.

Tommy Chong and a rotating pannel of judges – including a tokin’ black guy — won’t be afraid to be blunt in their assessments. Only a select few will be given the green light. It’ll take skill and a little pot luck to prevail.

With a theme song performed by Sisqo (sample:“Ooh, that bong looks scandalous/ and I know a man with some cannabis. Let me see that Chong. That Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom Chong”), the seeds of hilarity are planted.

Prepare for chronic laughter with everyone’s best bud, Tommy Chong. The Bong Show is so Chong, it’s right! There’s no crack involved, but you will crack up!

Here’s a quick cross section of what you may find in my brain:

1. Sarcasm (large core part, reaaaaal useful)
2. Simpsons references (Monkey reenactments of the civil war, lyrics to Talkin’ Softball, “To Alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems”)
3. Memorized video games (magical sword in second adventure of Zelda, up up down down left right left right b a start )
4. 80’s cartoons catch phrases (Thundercats Hoooo, Yoooo Joe!, Autobots, Move out!)
5. Zombie defense tactics (barracading self in a mall, aiming for the head, running like hell)
6. Potpouri of things that kick ass (Explosions, Ninjas, sharks, drum solos, exploding ninja shark drum solos)
7. Horribly awesome movies (Evil Dead series, Demolition Man, anything by Van Damme)
8. Knowledge of all things about women (pretty limited, mostly consisting of “Yay boobies!”)
9. Everything I learned in college (bros before hos, beer pong, how not to get laid (See: Simpsons references, Knowledge of all things about women, video games, zombie defense tactics…ok, everything here))

Hair today, gone tomorrow: With Nowitzki around, Kaman still won’t be the mane attraction.

Defective

Putting the ‘pass’ in “passport,” Clippers center Chris Kaman has become a German citizen so he can play for their national basketball team in the Olympics. Since he’s gone to the extreme of changing countries, why doesn’t he simply create his own nation? The Kaman Islands sounds spiffy.

Mile high club: Martin needs to confine his big hits to the football field.

Joint venture

Perhaps trying to avoid paying a fee for checking additional bags, Ravens defensive back Derrick Martin was caught at the Cleveland airport carrying three packets containing marijuana. He’s been put on Zip-Lockdown by the team.

Life at steak

Filet minion: Gonzalez made sure the victim didn’t bite the big one.

As a career-long Chief, tight end Tony Gonzanlez recognizes choking when he sees it. Dining out recently in California, Gonzalez saved a man who had a piece of beef stuck in his throat by performing the Heimlich. The feat, like the meat, was well-done.

Triggering outrage: Oddly, before he retired, McKie was never much of a gunner. 

Naybor

Former NBA guard Aaron McKie won’t be given a key to Gladwyne, Pennsylvania. Prompted by a recent weapon charge against him, flyers are being distributed in the town trying to prevent McKie from moving in to a nearly-completed house. Residents’ resistance reveals McKie will either have to build trust or a moat.

Rhythm and boos: Yi need help with his hooks.

Sound idea

Talk about a full-court press. Chinese hoopster Yi Jianlin has been slammed by his country’s media for being spotted at a Beijing club with his pop star girlfriend. They’re questioning his commitment, with the Olympics around the corner. It’s beneficial for Yi to spend time with a singer — who better to teach him playing in the key?

Trail and error

About 400 runners in Seattle for a marathon at the end of June missed the race because there wasn’t enough room on the final shuttle to transport them all to the starting line. Consequently, the event was deemed a bussed. Guess no one jogged participants’ memories to arrive early.

Some days I wake up wanting to change the world

You wouldn’t like me… when I’m pouty!

Edward Norton, unsatisfied with the final cut of his superhero film, has refused to promote the movie. His staunch indifference reminds Concentrated Awesome of imitation, product-sponsored wannabees, other

Uninspired Comic Book Characters

The Flash Fryer (and his young, nerdy sidekick, The Flash Card)

The Lenient Disciplinarian (even evil needs some slack)

Irony Man (as Alanis sung, it’s like rain/when you’re made out of material that rusts)

Wonderbra Woman (works best as support)

The Green Fungus (in the mold of the greats)

Indivisible Girl (she doesn’t need to divide to conquer)

Specter Walker

Tights Fetish Man

Schick Quatro Blade (smoothly shaving lives)

The Thingy (no one knows what it is and no one cares to find out)

Leiutenant United States (sometimes teams with Corporal Canada)

Physician Normal

White Tiger

Daredevildogs (treating villians to a tasty serving of justice)

Bronze Wave Rider

Satellite (better reception than Cable)

Professor Ex (don’t fail him again)

Captain Plan It (let’s create a blueprint before we act)

The Shadow Puppet

Today is Canada Day, so here are a few ways we as Americans (whose only experience with Canada is through tv shows, movies, and “witty” internet t-shirts) can celebrate the holiday with our fellow North Americans:

• Start the day with what you think is the Canadian national anthem (“Blame Canada” from the South Park movie)
• Act like America’s little, quiet, much paler brother
• Pretend as though Alex Trebek is the smartest man ever to come from Canada
• Ride a moose to work
• …while dressed as a hockey goalie or a mountie
• Finish each sentence with “eh” or “aboot” for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Try not to laugh. Fail completely
• Renounce Mike Meyers as Canadian (if you’ve seen The Love Guru, you’d agree)
• Go curling. Remember you have no idea what is exactly involved with curling, so look it up on Wikipedia. Get confused by the brooms and “putting the rock in the house”. Run around your neighborhood whacking each other with brooms and throwing stones at your neighbors instead
• Get stoned after completely misinterpreting the maple leaf on Canada’s flag
• Construct plans to live in “a really bitchin’ igloo”
• Fight a polar bear with a harpoon
• Enjoy Canada’s finest cuisine, Canadian bacon covered with maple syrup. Immediately regret it and declare that American bacon kicks so much more ass