- You will blow game 5 of the NBA Finals and never be compared to Jordan again (whoops, that one’s about a week late)
- You will lose an axel, 2 oxen, and die of dysentery
- You will start a flame war on the net about an obscure topic no one but you and 3 other forum goers care about, feeding your ego that you “totally pwn3d” that 13 year old on what true Harry Potter fanfic really is
- You will be elected President of the United States (give one to Hillary Clinton just to fuck with her a little)
- You will buy the new 3G iPhone, feeling cool about being an early adopter, and notice a grandma with one the following week. After, you’ll immediately retreat to your refuge (Starbucks) to nurse your hipster ego
- You will NOT pass go, you will not collect $200
- You will invest countless hours trolling through message boards, warez sites, and myspace pages to find the newest underground band, thinking this is the greatest sound ever. A month later, it’ll be on the radio, your kid sister will buy the album and you’ll play The Velvet Underground nonstop to prove to yourself that you “weren’t really into the mainstream” and therefore keep your indie cred
- You will meet the girl of your dreams in a Battlestar Galactica convention dressed exactly like Number Six and make wild passionate love to her for hours on end. Just kidding.
- You will get spit on, cursed out, or nearly run over by a car (if you’re living in NY, all three before noon)
- You will come out of the closet. Didn’t know you were gay? Surprise.
- You will buy the $200 whopper from Burger King to see what the big deal is. You’ll then spend another $500 to get the lipo suction to undo the damage
- You will quote Anchorman, Old School, and Wedding Crashers, thinking that supplanting quotes from funny movies replaces the ability to actually be funny
- You will write a blog entry that no one will read (this might be too self-referential…)
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