I’m one of many people who bought Mario Kart Wii a couple weeks back. I’m also one of many, many people whose blood pressure has risen significantly since. It’s fun, but I swear if that asshole baby Mario throws another blue shell at me I might have to break something.
It’s a-me, Mario! And I’m a dickhead
So I suggest something to balance out the frustrations that naturally occur with this game: Drinking! Make a drinking game with your friends out of mario kart and everyone wins. As with any game, there need to be some ground rules:
- Take a drink every time you wish toad to die a horrible death
- Give out a drink every time you fuck over a friend during a race with a red shell
- Take a drink every time you yell at the penguins on N64′s Sherbet Land, the wigglers on Maple Treeway, or the cataquacks on GCN’s Peach Beach to get the fuck out of the way
- Take two drinks if you taunt Princess Peach with a sexually suggestive phrase after passing her (e.g., “Yeah, suck on that Peach” or “the princess is such a tease”), two more if you call her a dirty whore for then laughing while she passes you right after
- Take three drinks every time you question Birdo’s gender (add one extra drink if you start to debate his/her gender with that of Slippy from Star Fox)
- Finish your drink every time you shout “BULLSHTI!”, “HORSESHIT!” or any other animal’s shit
- Take a shot every time you say “FUCK THIS GAME!” or throw your wii wheel
- Shotgun a beer if a Bullet Bill or Lightning bolt hits you just before the finish line, costing you the race
You win if you can make it 10 minutes without being completely shitfaced. Now to wait for the impending letters of hate and disgust from MADD…
