Recently ICANN has approved a relaxation on the rules required for TLDs. In other words, http://john.smith, http://blah.blah, or the popular http://clownpenis.fart from SNL fame could be actual places on the internet. That being said I’m hoping to be the first to register this:
Catch me on a bad day, and all domains will redirect to goaste. You’ve been warned, web-tubes
Bret Michaels prefers his cars the way he likes his women – slightly used and with the top down.
Steroids poster boy Roger Clemens has sold his Bentley convertible to Poison pretty boy Bret Michaels. Wouldn’t the more fitting member of the band to buy the ride from The Rocket be Rikki Rockett? The singer is enjoying the vehicle thus far, having “Nothin’ but a Good Time.”
Down Hill
ESPN columnist Jemele Hill was suspended for a set of shocking and senseless similes comparing Celtics fans to Nazis and communist Russia sympathizers, writing: “Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. It’s like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan.” Sounds like Don Imus has found a new co-host.
Fuel me once
The New Jersey Nets, running low on ideas, are offering anyone who signs up for season tickets ten 10 percent of the total price in gas money. The promotion probably isn’t enough to get people pumped, unless they acquire Shaq Diesel.
To air is human
A German journalist covering the Euro soccer Championships called in a bomb threat to avoid missing his flight. Police traced the anonymous call to his cell and now he’s sitting in a cell.
Hand out
If you were hoping to compete in the National Texting Championship, Sry, 2 L8. The finalist have already been chosen and will vie for $50K July 9 in NYC. All you need to contend are a few pointers, so don’t let this opportunity slip through your well-calloused fingers next year.
Hit the deck
A 551-foot boat collided with Brewers announcer Bob Uecker’s yacht in Milwaukee last year. Uecker doesn’t harbor any hard feelings towards the ship’s captain. Sadly, Uecker can’t return his craft, as all sails are final.
Code name
Greensboro College baseball player Daniel Poindexter was the men’s Student-Athlete of the Year in the USA South Conference. He was the smart choice.
Sole power: Maybe this will light a fire under the placid Yao.
Scale model
Yao Ming’s need sneakers from Reebok feature a winding red and gold dragon on the side. Unfortunately, the tongues of the footwear don’t hiss.
The skinny: Kidd has always rebounded well.
Jason Kidd has swapped model girlfriends as swiftly as he conducts a fast break. Out is Hope Dworaczyk, replaced by May Andersen. Why the switch? Call him a Hopeless romantic.
Silverware and tear
Here’s proof that Red Wings and hot wings don’t mix: The Stanley Cup was dented during a celebration at a Detroit eatery owned by defenseman Chris Chelios. The team should’ve tried to keep the incident — and the trophy — under the table.
China syndrome
Recently, there’s been a surge in China in the baby name Aoyun, which translates as “Olympic Games.” It’s proof that you can’t spell “infant” without ‘fan.’
Taking c-notes
WWE commish Vince McMahon has been acting more like Ed McMahon lately, dispersing a total of $1 million to fortunate fans during broadcasts on Mondays (Gary Bettman, are you observing?). This concept is known as Pay It Forward Thinking.
There’s the rub
After ditching Sports Illustrated, Rick Reilly is itching to ingratiate himself at ESPN. “If you scratch your left ear, they have a way of making a podcast out of it,” he saide. You realize there’s no video component to a podcast, right Rick? So much for living in the hear and now.
Rx’s and O’s
Terrell Owens needs to take a chill pill, but he must be cautious. T.O. is feeling testy that, since he recently missed a random drug screening, he’ll be subject to additional ones this year. The NFL might want to examine T.O.’s frustration more closely — it could be a case of ‘roid rage.
Field of Broken Dreams: Costner knows a thing or two about the long bomb.
Turns out “Dances with Wolves” actor Kevin Costner has a favorite tribe: the Kansas City Chiefs. His voice can be heard in a radio ad for the team sharing his reasons for rooting. He wasn’t paid for the promotion; he did it “For the Love of the Game.” As for the Chiefs, they have “No Way Out” of another losing season.
No. 1 Choice
A Pittsburgh restaurant owned by former Steeler Jerome Bettis has a lavatory lavish enough to put it in the running for “America’s Best Restroom.” The winner won’t be announced until August, though news could leak out early.
Was it just me or did anyone else think those sponges that came in pill form were complete crap? Yes, far behind the pet rock, but they really didn’t do anything. “Oh cool…I have a sponge t-rex. Maybe we can get paper towels in the shape of a tricerotops too and…clean the bathroom?”. I’m convinced this is what ruined scientists on creating everything in pill form a la the Jetsons, followed by living in weird ass buildings on stilts and everything else that could be inspired from that show. Just think, we could be rolling around in flying cars right now…
This is the new Baroness for GI Joe the Movie? Maybe I’ve got the wrong idea on evil. Fingers crossed that she and Lady Jaye fall into a mud pit. Then we got ourselves something to watch.
I think it’s only fair we try to help out Wesley Snipes with his tax debt considering he’s given us such cinematic gems as White Men Can’t Jump, New Jack City, and Demoliton Man (we’ll just pretend Blade: Trinity never happened) and I’ve got a plan. Each one of us goes to Vegas and bets on black, a la Passenger 57. If we all win, we donate to his cause. And if we lose? Then the fucker lied to us and deserves to be in jail.
I wish I could’ve had political action figures like this growing up, going against my other toys. Could’ve fit right in with my Ghostbusters, TMNT, and Transformers. “Me Grimlock think Obama weak on foreign relations. Also, full of cesium salami!”.
“The happening”? Really? That’s the name of M. Night Shyamalan’s new movie? I guess his other title “Fucked up shit going on” wasn’t going to fit on the poster. What’s the over/under if you sat him down in a nursery, how long it would take him to scar all of those children for life? 4 minutes? 3 1/2?
New rule: If your last name is “Love” or “Funk” then you should be required to get a PhD in some field. Imagine if your medical doctor was named “Dr. Love”. Are you telling me you wouldn’t feel a little better about going into surgery then? Your professor in college? “I learned all I know from Dr. Funk!” One exception of course: No Dr. Love’s should be Gyno’s. Just seems a little wrong.
If I never hear Bon Jovi, Madonna or Journey in a bar again, I’ll die a happy man. You are not “just a small town girl, living in a lonely world” and considering the quality of girls in Manhattan bars, none of you are anything “like a virgin”. You may be giving anyone who talks to you a bad name, though.
Saw a friend post a link to this candidate’s website. I really wish I could vote in this election just so I could put in “Superman” as a write in vote against Bizzarro.
Also saw a link on Scott Adam’s blog to this:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/06/05/broadcom.indictment.ap/index.html
Apparently he had a secret underground lair? Sounds like more of a James Bond villain than a corporate embezzler. I’d love to watch that court case. The plaintiff can start out laying out his case pointing to his plan to build a death ray and take over the world.
A tight race: The man of steel could help steal the election.
With John McCain assured the Republican party’s nomination for President, it’s time for him to focus on selecting a running mate. Ideally, the Senator wants someone with a broad appeal; a candidate who compensates for any of McCain’s shortcomings or weaknesses. Here are a few favorable options:
Dean Cain. Barack Obama can’t coast on his looks anymore with this pretty boy around. Cain matches up well with Obama, boasting youth and an Ivy League education, plus about as much face time on TV. portraying the iconic American superhero. McCain can claim Cain is his nephew and the public would buy it. If Cain is willing to don the spandex suit again, he’ll sweep the single women’s vote, as well as the questioning their sexual identity men’s vote.
A reminder to hang tough and not lose your shirt.
John McClane. An expert on fighting and successfully defeating terrorists. A tireless worker who doesn’t take holidays off. Even Howard Dean will take notice, when McClane punctuates every speech with “Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker!”
They really do go with everything – including a Presidential victory.
McCain foods. What’s more All-American than a frozen bag of freedom fries? A salty food for a salt-of-the-Earth candidate. Could help McCain “ketchup” in the polls (just don’t mention Heinz). Also, potatoes are an excellent source of starch.
The magic eight ball: a much better predictor of the future than public opinion polls.
A cane. Will provide sturdy support, literally. McCain might walk away with a win- and do it in style. If properly decorated, could attract the coveted pimp vote.
Check yourself: McMahon embodies economic stimulus.
Ed McMahon. Will ensure senior vote, including all of Florida, Arizona. Has been comfotable in sidekick role before. Can run under slogan: Hey publishers (of media), we’re clearing (the white) house! Gives people hope and sense that economy is on the upswing when telling them they may already be a million dollar winner. Won’t hesitate to laugh at scripted, poorly-delivered and cheesey jokes. Will warmly introduce McCain before appearances by saying, “Heeeeeeeeeeer’s Johnny!”
I’m one of many people who bought Mario Kart Wii a couple weeks back. I’m also one of many, many people whose blood pressure has risen significantly since. It’s fun, but I swear if that asshole baby Mario throws another blue shell at me I might have to break something.
So I suggest something to balance out the frustrations that naturally occur with this game: Drinking! Make a drinking game with your friends out of mario kart and everyone wins. As with any game, there need to be some ground rules:
You win if you can make it 10 minutes without being completely shitfaced. Now to wait for the impending letters of hate and disgust from MADD…