Recently, an Iowa man was struck by a train after attempting to place a coin on the tracks. He was looking for his station in life and it wasn’t long before the freight of the world was on his shoulders.

Branching out: It won’t be long before Alcatraz becomes Azkaban. Pagan inmates in Great Britain have permission to keep twigs for wands under religious freedom rights. Sticks are a great way to spell boredom.

Met his match: A kerosene-soaked Japanese protester brought in for questioning was allowed by cops to have a cigarette and a light. Both sides got burned by the decision.

They set up a sand trap: A Florida man is suing after being issued a ticket for wearing a Speedon’t on FL beach. This is supposedly his first fashion crime.

Mass scaling: A man in Germany tried to send three snakes through the mail. It was discovered by the only creatures who possess more venom: postal workers.

Hot under the collar: An Oklahoma man who sells collars for pets with slogans such as “Barkstrong” and “Purrstrong” has sued Lance Armstrong’s foundation, claiming trademark infringement. This fight could go to the dogs pretty quickly.

Urine the money: A man in Illinois found and returned a wallet stolen in 1973. The item was stashed in a bathroom ceiling tile. Unfortunately, it was not flush with cash.

The science of scamming: A Canadian researcher used grants to buy tens of thousands of dollars of electronics for personal use, such as a stereo system and HDTV. Ironically, he’s now the one under the microscope.

On the bubble: If an internet petition to get director Uwe Boll to cease making movies reaches 1 million signatures, Stride gum has promised to give every signee a free pack. This proves there’s more than one way to chew someone out.

The hole story: A Texas man who tried to rob a Fort Worth donut shop was shot and killed by a neighbor of the store who heard the commotion. Now the place can rightfully boast that they make killer crullers.

David Spade on loan from Hollywood: A Chris Farley exhibit open this month at the Wisconsin Historical Museum. It contains many personal items from the deceased comedian and runs through November. Well, la-dee-frickin’-da.

Cleaning Crue: Pamela Anderson sold the contents of one of her homes after her third marriage dissolved. As a result, a Minnesota man now legally owns a replica gun from “Barbed Wire” and Tommy Lee.

Shield us: Matthew McConoughey is being considered for the titel role in a Captain America movie. We wouldn’t even cast him to play Captain Crunch.

Fuzzy math: An Ohio has been put in jail for 180 days after his daughter failed her GED exam, violating the terms of a court order. The jury was divided on the punishment, which doesn’t seem to add up.

The only Ford older than Harrison is a Model T.

It’s been nearly 20 years since audiences were last treated to an Indiana Jones movie, but it’s proven easy to whip up fresh interest in the franchise. Audiences really dig the archaeologist. Many different plot lines were considered for the latest installment and here were some of the alternative titles before “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” was settled on.
Indiana Jones and the Lost Archs Supports (Dr. Jones meets Dr. Scholl’s)
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Money Steve Spielberg Worships At
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Animal Figurines (homage to “The Glass Menagerie”)
Indiana Jones and the Last Jihad (Tagline: Osama’s bin hidin’. But the terrorists didn’t count on the one man who knows his way around caves even better.)
Indiana Jones and the Family Reunion (aka Keeping Up the Joneses)
Indiana Jones and the Visit to the Magic Kingdom with His Grandkids (aka Journey to the Center of Epcot)
Indiana Jones and the Elusive Fountain of Youth (Indy teams up with Ponce de Leon and travels to Florida, doing battle with hordes of retirees and giant insects)
Indiana Jones Goes to White Castle (Indy and his nephew, played by Neil Patrick Harris, tired of settling for the senior special at Denny’s, seek the fabled fast food chain)
Indiana Jones and the Whatever’s on His Planner Today (Tagline: Adventures in Aisle 5)

Minor league baseball team the Grand Prairie (Tx.) AirHogs have a promotion where one fan will win a free funeral. The prize is simply to die for.

Treble in fear
Cowboys QB Tony Romo sang “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” May 11 at Wrigley Field and it’s fair to say he won’t be gaining any Crackerjack endorsements from his performance. At least it wasn’t a duet with flame Jessica Simpson.

Win and tonic
Are the Atlanta Hawks out of the mix because of stiffer drinks? Boston media has reported that before Game 7 in Beantown the hotel staff was instructed to double the amount of alcohol put in anything Atlanta’s players ordered. This likely won’t stir up sympathy, but may explain the Hawks pour performance.

Putting the ‘cross’ in “crossover”
Dwyane Wade bought his mother a church in Chicago. Her sermons are surely fiery; after all, her son plays for the Heat.

Shucking Korn
Curmudgeonly columnist Tony Kornheiser has accepted a buyout from The Washington Post, where he worked for nearly three decades. On the bright side, he’s now free to spend more time with Michael Wilbon.

Getting Huffy
Texans wideout Andre Johnson bought several hundred bikes to give to underprivileged youth on May 3 and Wal-Mart was supposed to supply water and ice, but the store didn’t hold up it’s end of the bargain, according to Johnson. So much for trickle down economics.

Swingers
Where can true amateur golfers participate in a tournament with poker rules? Vegas, baby, Vegas. The World Series of Golf in 2009, in the country’s casino capital, will yield a jackpot of $1.5 million. However, it costs $200K to compete, plus in-game betting, so before they even step on the greens, entrants are already in the hole.

Bada Lady Byng
Versus network will broadcast the NHL awards live on June 12. We’d watch, but our Hart’s just not in it.

Rim shots
New Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni has affirmed he can win with the team’s current roster. Sure, in the D-League. Meanwhile, D’Antoni’s predecessor, Isiah Thomas, was sent by the Knicks on a scouting trip to Europe. With a one-way ticket.

How Swede it is
Golfer Annika Sorenstam announced she’ll retire after the season. Her immediate post-play plan is to relax in seclusion; putter around in a bunker.

Sneak peak
The shoes former Florida QB Chris Leak wore in the ‘07 BCS title game are on eBay. Anyone interested and impatient can bypass bidding and purchase them pronto for $10K. Likely, few are willing to foot that bill.

Booster seat
Allegedly, the perks Southern Cal’s O.J. Mayo received extend all the way back to his pre-school days, where he accepted a set of birch building blocks and a tricked-out tricycle.

Wonder twins activate
Two weeks ago, Sanchai and Sonchat Ratiwtana, pro twin Thai tennis players, rescued a fellow player’s wife and son from a hotel fire in France. Their heroic deed brings new meaning to the term “service ace.”

Full of craps
Charles Barkley owes Wynn casion in Las Vegas $400K. He’s the round mound of debt. Even though he appears in T-Mobile ads, when it comes to gambling, Sir Charles doesn’t know how to call.

Don’t ask him to punch-up a script
Mike Tyson attended the Cannes Film Festival. A cinema connoisseur, Tyson views film as something he can really sink his teeth into.

Good news and bad news in Democracy-land this week. Good news, it looks like, after the painful “You have died of dysentery” on the Oregon Trail that is the Democratic Primary, we’ve inched ever closer to finally deciding which of the two candidates who have near indistinguishable policies towards major issues will be comparing McCain to Bush this summer. Bad news? It looks like the Republicans have managed to completely null and void any further discussions. Godwin’s law has officially been invoked.

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Sheyla Hershey, a model in Brazil, is trying to set the world record for largest breast implants. She’s had eight procedures in five years and is up to size 34 triple F, or roughly the size of neighboring Uruguay. Even if her bosom isn’t the biggest, she’s definitely a boob, racking up some impressive medical bills.

The last Straw: Darryl Strawberry is penning a memoir, slated for release in 2009. Let’s hope it’s not scratch and sniff.

Tastycrooks: An Ohio judge could send a man back to prison for sharing a snack cake with an inmate sans permission. That would put the ‘treat’ in “unfair treatment.”

Buzzkill: Author Buzz Bissinger went ballistic on blogger Will Leitch recently on HBO’s “Costas Now.” Bissinger should consider pitching a new TV show, “Friday Night Spite.”

Deal with it: ESPN is playing a little hold ‘em of its own, moving the day of the World Series of Poker final from July to November. Only time will tell if this is a flop.

Tombstone Creamery: Irvine Robbins, the co-founder of ice cream chain Baskin-Robbins died Monday, at age 90. Surely, Heaven has more than 31 flavors.

Karate kidding: On May 15, the AAA Fresno Grizzlies will host an 80’s night with actor Billy Zabka, aka the bad guy fro “The Karate Kid.” On the opening leg of a four-game series, Fresno will be encouraged to go for the sweep.

Best of the rest: NASA is offering $17K to subjects willing to come to its facility in Houston and lay in bed for 90 straight days, so they can study the effects of microgravity. It’s called “The Brian Wilson Program.” Those considering the offer are advised to sleep on it first.

Piece of mind: The new season of “American Gladiators” starts May 12. It’s the perfect show for those who find pro wrestling too subtle and intricate or those who’ve had recent lobotomies.

Keep the change: A man in Illinois has asked the courts permission to legally alter his name to “In God We Trust.” That’d be so money (though he’d know it).

Barre all: Performing his own “March of the Penguins,” Nathan Smith of the AHL’s Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins was charged with indecent exposure after running down a Pa. street naked, acting on a bet. We’d hate to see his idea of a free skate.

Putting the ‘bum’ in “album”: A man in Texas tried to cash a check for $360 billion, which he said was to start a record company with. He was taken to Sing Sing.

Charlie horse’s ass: Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis, speaking to a group of alumni in Pa., remarked, “I could get hoodlums and thugs and win tomorrow.” You mind picking up some tact and humility while you’re out, Charlie?

A few stitches and he was good as new: The Cincinnati Reds mascot, Mr. Redlegs, lost his giant baseball-for-a-head after he tumbled off an ATV during Wednesday’s game. He seams fine now.

Those who can’t sing, teach: Britney Spears has been giving parenting advice to her pregnant little sister, which is the equivalent taking an ethics class taught by Roger Clemens.

Home free: Speaking of steroids, Jose Canseco’s bank account has shriveled up worse than his testicles. Canseco had his California mansion foreclosed on. Documents show he owed more than $2.5 million on it. Canseco shared a common trait with his mortage rate: both kept shooting up.

Can we all agree that popping your collar is douchey? It’s essentially the “high class” mullet, as if to say “I’m completely unaware of how fucking ridiculous this is.” I’m just waiting for the day they start creating “pre-popped” collars, followed by a series of popped collars, each douchier than the last, like how there was a double razor, followed by the mach3, then then quattro, etc.. Perhaps I’ve inspired a douchey coporation towards evil just now.

Now, before you say “wait a minute, it looks good on me!” stop yourself. Go to hotchickswithdouchebags.com and count how many guys (who actually have a shirt on) have popped collars. Notice a trend?

That being said, there have been exceptions to the rule, notably 3 dudes in history able to pull off the popped collar:

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