Looking for allies in the alleys, Barack Obama bowled in Pennsylvania, which will hold a primary April 22. He rolled a 37. Pinned down about his poor performance, Obama said he hadn’t bowled since Jimmy Carter was in office, but that’s a lane excuse. If Obama can’t exude more machismo than Hillary Clinton in the democratic race, he’ll wind up on a split ticket.

Tech support
Kobe Bryant is the clear choice for MVP, provided that stands for Most Volatile Player. Bryant leads the league in technical fouls. He’s on pace to produce more whine than Napa Valley.

Ludichris
He’s no Warrior: Chris Webber has decided to retire less than two months after returning to the NBA. Seems C-Webb couldn’t shake the cobwebs out of his creaky knees. Golden State was hoping for a storybook comeback when they signed him. Since Webber only managed to play in nine games, it turned out to be a grim fairytale.

Low Cal
California fired men’s basketball coach Ben Braun recently, citing the school’s failure to reach the NCAA tournament the past five years. When asked for a reaction to his dismissal, Braun bristled.

Bury Barry
The San Francisco Giants have begun to remove images and references to Barry Bonds from their stadium. Pretty soon you’ll need a GoldenEye to spot any trace of Bonds at AT&T Park.

Hardcover edition
Sometimes multitasking can get you into trouble. For instance. Penn State basketball player Stanley Pringle was charged with public lewdness and disorderly conduct after being caught masturbating in the school library while hitting on a woman. Pringle first claimed he was boning up on his studies, but now he alleges he was trying to master the gooey decimal system.

A poach shot
Chef Paul Prudhomme might want to wear a Kevlar apron next time he’s on the greens. Prudhomme was cooking in a tent prior to the Zurich Classic when he was nicked by a bullet. Undeterred, Prudhomme resumed food preparations, but later — adding salt to injury — he was subjecting to some light grilling by police.

Out of the mix
The Dolphins signed free agent safety Chris Crocker to a contract. A strange move since the only Crocker who has a recipe for success is Betty.

Matter of Nationals interest
President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game in the team’s new stadium to supposed steroid-user Paul Lo Duca, who was juiced to glove a ball from the Commander-in-Chief.

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