Putting the ‘high’ in “high school,” a math teacher in Illinois was busted for smoking pot on the job. The habit explained her fascination with imaginary numbers.

XXX-Men: A woman in Virginia who bought what was supposed to be a cartoon superhero movie at Target for her son, wound up with a gay porn movie instead. She should’ve been tipped off by the title, “The Fantastic Foursome.”

Finally, Applebee’s lives up to its name: A large cloud of bees flew in front of a Florida restaurant, causing patrons to flee. A waitress came over to serve the swarm, asking, “Whaddaya want, honey?”

He’s on cloud nine: The hunt for a Brazilian priest who vanished into the sky after strapping 1,000 balloons to himself (probably not the best way to get to Heaven) was called off after four days. Authorities didn’t want to get carried away searching for him.

Hour mistake: Watch maker Romain Jerome is selling 300K piece that’s truly timeless – it can only tell the wearer whether it’s day or night. The initial batch sold out in 48 hours, so evidently buyers aren’t giving the watch’s limitations a second thought.

Mine over matter: A man in Allentown, Pa. Survived a 500-foot fall into a strip mine. When questioned about the tumble, the man asked that the subject be dropped.

No monkey business: Yoko Ono is suing the producers of Ben Stein’s pro-creationist documentary, which uses John Lennon’s song “Imagine” without her permission. Ono hopes to “Win Ben Stein’s Money.”

Prisoner 57: Wesley Snipes has been sentenced to 3 years in jail for tax evasion – one for every “Blade” movie.

Fur sure: Shakira and Pamela Anderson were both in D.C. Speaking on behalf of animal rights group PETA. They thought the organization’s letters stood for “People for the Ethical Treatment of Airheads.”

Jim Beamed: Amy Winehouse was jailed for headbutting a man outside a London bar. The man said his noggin hurt worse after listening to her music than the blow to the melon.

Bomb’s away: A World War II bomb that was scheduled to be detonated at sea after it turned up on British shores has gone missing. It’s probably washed up on eBay.

Liquid Crystal Deceit: A Missouri man tried to switch the price tag of an LCD TV and a bottle of water at a Wal-Mart and claim the set cost $3.16. Authorities have labeled him an “aqua fienda.”
Never bean done: Oklahoma City mayor Mick Cornett has partnered with Taco Bell to convince the city’s residents to lose 1 million pounds this year. The fast food chain has promised to help people with their crunches.

Vanilla Ice was arrested on domestic battery charges after an argument with his spouse. It’s the irrelevant rapper’s first hit in more than a decade.

From Wentz it came: Ashlee Simpson is reportedly pregnant with rocker Pete Wentz’s child. A guess as to what will fall out: boy.

Woah, halfway there. Woah, drivin’ while impaired: Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora was busted for DUI. He’s wanted dead or alive.

He should stick to ‘Melo Yellow: Denver forward Carmelo Anthony was arrested on suspicion of DUI. Police estimate that he was a mile high.

Studying hard: Students from Randolph College in Virginia took a class field trip to the Chicken Ranch, a legal brothel in Nevada. Unfortunately, the cash-strapped students only had enough money to stay for one hour.

J.K. Growling: Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling is suing to halt publication of “Harry Potter Lexicon,” saying the reference guide is attempting to steal and cash in on her work. You can’t spell “muggle” without ‘mug.’

Horsing around: Meanwhile, Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliff will bring his naked body over to America this year, starring in the play Equis on Broadway, which gained attention because the young actor does a nude scene. Randcliff says exposing himself on stage doesn’t bother him, not after the thorough strip searches he’s received on prior visits from U.S. Customs agents.

Putting the ‘Rev’ in “Revlon:” The alleged reason Britney Spears caused a minor fender-bender in L.A. was because she was putting on makeup while driving. Spears apparently misunderstood her therapist’s plea to “apply herself.”

Falling stars: CBS has canceled reality show “Secret Talent’s of the Stars” after only one episode. When it came to ratings, it was a big dipper.

Fly like the Eagles: Stephen Colbert is in Philadelphia this week hosting his show. Colbert should go over well there, as his character’s logic is more twisted than a soft pretzel.

The sum of all fires: A blaze damaged the Maryland home of author Tom Clancy. The writer is no longer in any clear and present danger.

I want to see members of PETA in an all out brawl to see who gets to pry the gun out of heston’s cold dead hand now. Is that so wrong?

The answer is yes. But it feels so right.

Looking for allies in the alleys, Barack Obama bowled in Pennsylvania, which will hold a primary April 22. He rolled a 37. Pinned down about his poor performance, Obama said he hadn’t bowled since Jimmy Carter was in office, but that’s a lane excuse. If Obama can’t exude more machismo than Hillary Clinton in the democratic race, he’ll wind up on a split ticket.

Tech support
Kobe Bryant is the clear choice for MVP, provided that stands for Most Volatile Player. Bryant leads the league in technical fouls. He’s on pace to produce more whine than Napa Valley.

Ludichris
He’s no Warrior: Chris Webber has decided to retire less than two months after returning to the NBA. Seems C-Webb couldn’t shake the cobwebs out of his creaky knees. Golden State was hoping for a storybook comeback when they signed him. Since Webber only managed to play in nine games, it turned out to be a grim fairytale.

Low Cal
California fired men’s basketball coach Ben Braun recently, citing the school’s failure to reach the NCAA tournament the past five years. When asked for a reaction to his dismissal, Braun bristled.

Bury Barry
The San Francisco Giants have begun to remove images and references to Barry Bonds from their stadium. Pretty soon you’ll need a GoldenEye to spot any trace of Bonds at AT&T Park.

Hardcover edition
Sometimes multitasking can get you into trouble. For instance. Penn State basketball player Stanley Pringle was charged with public lewdness and disorderly conduct after being caught masturbating in the school library while hitting on a woman. Pringle first claimed he was boning up on his studies, but now he alleges he was trying to master the gooey decimal system.

A poach shot
Chef Paul Prudhomme might want to wear a Kevlar apron next time he’s on the greens. Prudhomme was cooking in a tent prior to the Zurich Classic when he was nicked by a bullet. Undeterred, Prudhomme resumed food preparations, but later — adding salt to injury — he was subjecting to some light grilling by police.

Out of the mix
The Dolphins signed free agent safety Chris Crocker to a contract. A strange move since the only Crocker who has a recipe for success is Betty.

Matter of Nationals interest
President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game in the team’s new stadium to supposed steroid-user Paul Lo Duca, who was juiced to glove a ball from the Commander-in-Chief.