Allow us to upbraid the NFL’s consideration of a new tuck rule that would force players with long hair to harbor it inside their helmets. Perhaps the league should focus less on the players’ locks and more on preventing players from getting locked up. Mark our words, if the NFL implements such a policy, they will come to dread the decision.

Bush league: President Bush is slated to throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game tonight. Chances are it’ll sink to the ground faster than the economy. Dick Cheney volunteered to be the catcher — he was very concerned about protecting home.

Carr troubles: Departing Michigan offensive lineman Justin Boren voiced an offensive line of his own about the football team, remarking that without former coach Lloyd Carr, “family values have eroded.” Minus Carr, Boren has lost his drive.

Ahead of the curves: No Red Sox would’ve been more delighted if the team’s threatened boycott of a trip to Japan had been successful than Caly Buchholz, since he’d have had more time to spend with his pet — Penthouse Pet of the Year Erica Ellyson. Buchholz was previously involved with a Victoria Secret model. Seems like Clay’s the one doing the molding.

Triple threat: Doing some long-range thinking, the NCAA will move the 3-point line back one foot next season. Announcers have already adjusted the expression “from downtown” to “from the suburbs.”

Because there’s nothing else to do in that one-horse town: 115,300 people saw Boston face L.A. Saturday, a world record for attendance at a baseball game. Guess none of the Dodgers were crowd dodgers.

Next time, pass: Greg Oden is in trouble — for playing basketball. So excited to return to the court after an injury that caused him to miss all of his rookie year, Oden participated in a pickup game, unbeknownst to his team, who reprimanded him for it. They’d much prefer he devout his free time to getting into altercations outside nightclubs or recording a rap album, you know, more traditional hobbies for NBA players.

Monkey business: LeBron James’ forthcoming Vogue cover, in which he is showing baring his teeth and grabbing Gisele Bundchen by the waist, depicts him as ape-like and reinforces racial stereotypes, according to critics. LeBron was pleased with the shot, adding that he’d changed his nickname from “King James” to “King Kong James.”

Sew what: After receiving a gash during a collision Friday, Memphis’s Derrick Rose was told by team staff he needed stitches. Rose, who doesn’t like being pricked, refused and ran out of the locker room. According to his mother, Rose has always feared needles and it’s still a thorny issue.

Newly appointed New York governor David Paterson admitted to cheating on his wife during a tough time in their marriage. We’ll try to turn a blind eye to his tryst.

Two can scam: Thinking outside of the cereal box, a pair of sisters in Virginia are selling an Illinois-shaped corn flake on ebay. It’s bound to be someone’s lucky charm.

Paris Hilton is going to host a reality show on TV in which she searches for a new best friend. Money just wasn’t cutting it anymore.

Minnie Driver revealed she was pregnant to Jay Leno. Driver is hoping it’s a girl, as she can’t wait to have a mini-Minnie.

Mariah Carey told Allure magazine, “I understand that people think I am a ditzy moron.” Carey went on to say that it hurts to be compared to Jessica Simpson.

Lloyd’s of London has insured a wine maker in France’s nose for 5 million euros. He’ll probably never so much as sniff the money, but if something were to happen, Lloyd’s would pay through the nose.

Viacommies: In a move that would make the U.S. media conglomerates swell with pride, China has blocked its citizens from accessing YouTube. Internet security has tightened ever since the government launched the Great Firewall of China.

A Chinese woman is accused of setting fire to 400 cellphones after her husband decided to desert her. Vengeance was the Cingular thought on her mind.

Into Thin Air: Supermodel Waris Dirie has resurfaced after a three-day disappearance. The cause? She simply turned sideways and vanished.

Blowing smoke: Bill Clinton, campaigning for his wife, admitted that a joint ticket of her and Barack Obama would be unstoppable. He quickly added that he would not inhale such a joint.

Extreme measure: President Bush vetoed a bill banning waterboarding, on the grounds that he thinks Americans would completely dominate it at the next summer Olympics.

The Too Far Side: Afghans packed a sports stadium to protest the reprinting of a Danish from two years ago making fun of Mohammed. It still doesn’t compare to the riots when the national newspaper got rid of Ziggy.

Chew on this: Lisa Marie Presley is pregnant. We thought she was eating all those peanut butter and banana sandwiches to honor her father.

Much Ado About Nothing: Jerry Seinfeld dispelled rumors that he’s working on a new sitcom. Michael Richards and Jason Alexander beg him to reconsider.

Playing ketchup: President Bush and John McCain ate hot dogs at a White House lunch. Coincidentally, the accompanying french fries were McCain.

To serve and neglect: A group of police officers in Rockville, Maryland have failed to pay speeding tickets assessed to them, arguing that they don’t own the vehicles, so it’s the county who owes the money, which is a total cop out.

This bud’s for us: A Missouri lawmaker has proposed making Budweiser the state’s official beer. People didn’t really need another reason to less of Missouri, did they? What a Busch league idea.