Every day I walk into the subway and pause knowing I might not come back out. No, I’m not worried about muggings or a freak subway crash, not even a terrorist attack. Something far more sinister is lurking around the corner every day.
Of course I’m speaking of a zombie outbreak. I hear that distinctive “bing-bing” as the doors close on 68th and Lex, knowing that should the living dead manage to make it onto the train, I’d be fucked. No exits. Nothing to defend myself with. Closed quarters where the disease could spread very quickly.
That’s why this upcoming November, I’m casting a write in vote for Ash Williams. At the very least every train will come with its own double barreled shotgun in a “In case of Zombies, break open” glass case.
And it’s not just zombies. He can handle plenty of other problems too.
“We can take these deadites… with science.”
Clearly he’s a man who supports education and is not afraid to bring science into the classroom. He also managed to replace his severed hand with a mechanical one and turned his car into a tank, ushering in a new era of both medicine and car manufacturing to the US.
“Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I’ve got news for you pal, you ain’t leadin’ but two things: Jack and shit… and Jack just left town.”
Foreign diplomacy is one of his better traits. He won’t be strong armed by royalty.
“All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my BOOMSTICK! It’s a 12 gauge double barreled Remington, S-mart’s top of the line… you can find this in the sporting goods department… that’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan, retails for about $109.95, got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. Shop smart, shop…S-mart. YOU GOT THAT?!”
Ash would look after the small town blue collar folks working 9-5 jobs, not to mention knows how to get a deal. He can even court the NRA base of the right wing.
Maybe he wouldn’t be perfect, but I’d just want to see him yell at Hillary “Yo, she-bitch! Let’s go!”.
Now if I can only think of the right running mate…
February 25th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
sidekick suggestions: Harlan Williams. The goofy comic relief.
Hank Williams. Country twang is an underrated soundtrack to zombie slaying.
Venus or Serena Williams. They can do a lot of damage with a racket, so imagine what they’re capable of with an axe.