Rudy G’s concession speech:
9/11 and 9/11,
First of all, 9/11. 9/11 for 9/11. As you may 9/11, 9/11 fought hard, 9/11 my best, mayor of new york city, but 9/11 still 9/11. I guess 9/11 will never change. Despite 9/11′s 9/11, I remain confident 9/11′ll eventually 9/11 into 9/11, perhaps ground zero, too. Hopefully, one day 9/11 — where 9/11 and 9/11 live in harmony, 9/11′ing twin towers. If it wasn’t for 9/11, 9/11-9/11 and even 9/11′s like you, 9/11 just another 9/11. I 9/11′ed, I really 9/11. In closing, 9/11.

Edwards’ speech:
Oh, woe is me, to be born a white, Christian man! To be doomed from the onset, to never stand a legitimate chance against the two most powerful groups in America, blacks and women. What an unbearable curse — to be marginalized and discriminated against based on my gender and race. Never in our great nation’s past has one group been disparaged, degraded and excluded with such force. If only I had run for the nomination in 2004 or any year prior to that, my prospects wouldn’t have been so grim. Let the history books show that I was victim of treacherous time and cruel circumstance. But nay, my legacy will on the biased parchment penned by the winners will selectively state that I indulged in expensive grooming habits. “Hair today, gone tomorrow,” my political gravestone, carved by carpetbaggers and con-men, will read.
I know many of you are awaiting who I will tip my cap to. How can I possibly endorse anyone else when I should have been the ideal candidate? Instead of giving a thumbs up, I submit another, fouler finger in the direction of Hillary, Obama and that backstabbing prick Kerry. To my former friend, vengence will ketchup to you. See, I even ended on a joke, to show I’m not humorless.
There are indeed two Americas — and neither of them have room for a white man. I realize now that I must move on, I must depart to a more accepting land — where a person of my sex and skin color is not just accepted, but embraced: Canada.

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