They’re finding it Hard to Handle: The Black Crowes are grousing that Maxim reviewed their album after only hearing one song, the single they’ve released (because people “read” Maxim for its insightful music critiques). So shallow. That’s like judging a woman’s worth solely on how she looks in her underwear.

Foxunworthy: Larry the Cable Guy has another awful movie out. How long before he becomes Larry the Straight to Cable Guy?

And this guy’s responsible for Charlie’s Angels and the Love Boat: Tori Spelling has finished writing a memoir. In the book her late father reveals she’s the only thing he’s not proud of producing.

They hope it’s a hit: Several famous boardgames are slated to be turned into movies, including Battleship. Can you say sub-genre?

Glasses are half-full: No one is more relieved that the writer’s strike is over than Tina Fey. Now she can afford those contact lenses she’d been saving up for.

Fighting bad guys, bad music: Rapper will.i.am., as proficient at punctuation as rhyming, will play villian Wraith in the Wolverine film. Can Hugh Jackman give him a black eye, please?

Campaign’s nadir: Ralph Nader announced his plans to ruin, er, run for election again. The selfless Nader is putting himself on the ballot for a good cause: to make Mike Huckabee feel better about himself.

Every day I walk into the subway and pause knowing I might not come back out. No, I’m not worried about muggings or a freak subway crash, not even a terrorist attack. Something far more sinister is lurking around the corner every day.

Of course I’m speaking of a zombie outbreak. I hear that distinctive “bing-bing” as the doors close on 68th and Lex, knowing that should the living dead manage to make it onto the train, I’d be fucked. No exits. Nothing to defend myself with. Closed quarters where the disease could spread very quickly.

That’s why this upcoming November, I’m casting a write in vote for Ash Williams. At the very least every train will come with its own double barreled shotgun in a “In case of Zombies, break open” glass case.

And it’s not just zombies. He can handle plenty of other problems too.

“We can take these deadites… with science.”
Clearly he’s a man who supports education and is not afraid to bring science into the classroom. He also managed to replace his severed hand with a mechanical one and turned his car into a tank, ushering in a new era of both medicine and car manufacturing to the US.

“Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I’ve got news for you pal, you ain’t leadin’ but two things: Jack and shit… and Jack just left town.”
Foreign diplomacy is one of his better traits. He won’t be strong armed by royalty.

“All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my BOOMSTICK! It’s a 12 gauge double barreled Remington, S-mart’s top of the line… you can find this in the sporting goods department… that’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan, retails for about $109.95, got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. Shop smart, shop…S-mart. YOU GOT THAT?!”
Ash would look after the small town blue collar folks working 9-5 jobs, not to mention knows how to get a deal. He can even court the NRA base of the right wing.

Maybe he wouldn’t be perfect, but I’d just want to see him yell at Hillary “Yo, she-bitch! Let’s go!”.

Now if I can only think of the right running mate…

Loon makes it one step closer to Mars: New York City street performer the Naked Cowboy is suing Mars Inc. in the amount of $6 million (he’s not just seeking Kudos) for displaying an M&M in a billboard wearing his getup. Like a majority of the candy Mars makes, the Naked Cowboy is a bit nutty.
Kiwis like it ruff: A song recorded at a frequency only audible to dogs, “A Very Silent Night,” has hit the height of pupularity, reaching the top spot on the New Zealand music charts (that couldn’t have made Flight of the Conchords feel very good). We didn’t know Fergie had that kind of range.
Zenmark: They’re coping just fine in Copenhagen. According to study by Leicester University in England, Demark is the happiest country in the world. We know we’d be jolly if we were eating a cherry danish right now. Maybe the Danes are so gay because they’re, well, gay. Denmark was at the forefront of legal rights for same sex couples, instituting a registered partnership back in 1989.
Not leaving Las Vegas: Cher has agreed to perform 200 shows at Caesar’s Palace (cirque du oy vey!). In a related story, Cher’s career is officially over.

This story might prompt the director to consider a direct-to-DVD sequel: Gary Coleman, pushing 40 and nearly married for a year, revealed that he is still a virgin and denied that he feels any pressure or anxiety about having sex. Hey, Diff’rent Strokes…

Did you know that the cuddly stuffed animal commonly called the teddy bear was named after Theodore Roosevelt, our 26th President? But did you also know that Ol’ Felt Nose, as Roosevelt like to be called by his close friends, wasn’t the only Commander in Chief to have a popular toy forged in his honor?
The hula hoop was created with Calvin Coolidge in mind, who would often gyrate his hips passionately and arbitrarily in the Oval Office, which might explain why he was without a Vice President from 1923-1925. So consumed by a love of his own rythmic motion, many historians consider Coolidge the old timey equivalent of Shakira (true, he was more pale, but experts agree he was just as well-toned, plus he was the leader of the nation).
Another example is Gerald Ford, who inspired the slinky. One of Ford’s favorite, though hidden hobbies was being through down flights of stairs for fun. Scholars only recently learned that Ford pardoned Nixon to keep his bizarre fetish secret.
One bit of trivia that is entirely false is that Ronald Reagan denied the existance of pet rocks for the duration of his first term. Actually, Reagan very much admired the pet rock for its stoicism and loyalty. It was the rubik’s cube Reagan despised, with its flamboyant colors and mocking, pseudo-conformity. Once, when presented one as a gift from a Danish diplomat, Reagan crushed the cube to bits in his left hand, while patting the ambassador on the back in thanks with the other.

Casa Diablo, in Portland, Oregon, is advertising itself as a vegan strip club (the next step: organic gentlemen’s clubs, billing themselves as having all-natural, locally grown talent). Finally, an establishment where the women won’t be treated like pieces of meat.

Misdirected Zest
John Sebelius, the son of the Governor of Kansas, is selling a prison-themed board game he designed for a school project, called “Don’t Drop the Soap.” How did Milton Bradley let this one slip through its fingers? He’s even peddling it from an Ivory Tower – the listed address it ships from is the Governor’s mansion. This is a bad idea, bar none.

Because the porn they’d inevitably watch would be life-like
A survey of British men found that almost 50% of respondents would be willing to forfeit sex for six months in exchange for a 50” HD plasma TV. Seems like they’re not seeing the big picture.

With the recent resurrections of both “Rocky” and “Rambo,” Sylvester Stallone is back in the Blackberries of Hollywood execs. Stallone has a deal to inflict least two more flicks upon the public. What other movies is he seeking to revisit? Some possibilities:
Stop or My Mom Will Shoot, Again
Demolition Man 2: The Final Demolishment
Lawyer Dredd (prequel)
Antz II: The Picnic Panic
Edgedangler (aka Cliffhanger: The Beginning)
The Extra Specialist
Lock Up 2: Guantanamo Games (tagline: They’ve just tortured the one man who can fight back.) Euro Cop Land (aka The French Frenzy) (tagline: Sacre black and bleu)
Spy Kids 4-D: The Mystery Dimension
Over the Top, Too (co-starring Lance Armstrong)
(taglines: 1. He’s got a strong arm — and an Armstrong. 2. Some people would’ve given up. He kept on truckin’. 3. He’s still wrestling with his past.)

Rudy G’s concession speech:
9/11 and 9/11,
First of all, 9/11. 9/11 for 9/11. As you may 9/11, 9/11 fought hard, 9/11 my best, mayor of new york city, but 9/11 still 9/11. I guess 9/11 will never change. Despite 9/11′s 9/11, I remain confident 9/11′ll eventually 9/11 into 9/11, perhaps ground zero, too. Hopefully, one day 9/11 — where 9/11 and 9/11 live in harmony, 9/11′ing twin towers. If it wasn’t for 9/11, 9/11-9/11 and even 9/11′s like you, 9/11 just another 9/11. I 9/11′ed, I really 9/11. In closing, 9/11.

Edwards’ speech:
Oh, woe is me, to be born a white, Christian man! To be doomed from the onset, to never stand a legitimate chance against the two most powerful groups in America, blacks and women. What an unbearable curse — to be marginalized and discriminated against based on my gender and race. Never in our great nation’s past has one group been disparaged, degraded and excluded with such force. If only I had run for the nomination in 2004 or any year prior to that, my prospects wouldn’t have been so grim. Let the history books show that I was victim of treacherous time and cruel circumstance. But nay, my legacy will on the biased parchment penned by the winners will selectively state that I indulged in expensive grooming habits. “Hair today, gone tomorrow,” my political gravestone, carved by carpetbaggers and con-men, will read.
I know many of you are awaiting who I will tip my cap to. How can I possibly endorse anyone else when I should have been the ideal candidate? Instead of giving a thumbs up, I submit another, fouler finger in the direction of Hillary, Obama and that backstabbing prick Kerry. To my former friend, vengence will ketchup to you. See, I even ended on a joke, to show I’m not humorless.
There are indeed two Americas — and neither of them have room for a white man. I realize now that I must move on, I must depart to a more accepting land — where a person of my sex and skin color is not just accepted, but embraced: Canada.