Her mornings are now free to eat cold pizza
ESPN has suspended Dana Jacobson for her comments about Notre Dame football during a roast of radio duo Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg. Apparently, they don’t allow workers freedom of their own words when they’re off the air or the liberty to be explicit in forum that is designed for that (in a Disney-owned company, all language must be rated ‘G’). Her remarks couldn’t have been more embarrassing than the Irish’s play last season. Sounds like the co-host of “First Take” could’ve used a second one.

New spokesman for Wells Fargo found
This is an example of simultaneously winning and losing. Runner Andrew Wells was victorious in the Frozen Otter Ultra Trek marathon last week in Milwaukee. However, he now needs a toe tag for his toes (otter not participate in the race next year). Frostbite due to the frigid conditions in Milwaukee will force doctors to amputate two toes. An optimistic Wells declared, “I can live a good life without toes.” In the long run, he should be fine if he refrains from long runs. We wish Wells well.

Showing artistic growth
An article in the Albany Times Union accuses several hip hop musicians of being on steroids, including 50 Cent (guess Kanye West was right to devalue him), Mary J. Blige and Wyclef Jean (new nicknames: Mary J. Bulge and Wyclef Jean Claude Van Damme). If 50 Cent wanted to be inflated so badly, he should’ve just gone to Mexico.

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden recently welcomed a baby girl. The infant is reported to lie around the house all day, doing nothing. The precocious tyke is already taking after her mother.

Wesley Snipes is on trial in Florida for tax evasion. He is charged with claiming fraudulent refunds totaling $12 million and failing to file tax returns from 1999 to 2004. His defense is said to be more implausible than the plot for “Blade II.”

Lindsay Lohan has been nominated for nine Razzies, the anti-Oscar awards that point out the worst Hollywood offerings, for her role in “I Know Who Killed Me.” Regardless, she’s signed on for a sequel, “I Know What Killed My Career.”

For her emotional outburst while running for the presidency, scholarly Senator Hillary Clinton made the Howard Dean’s list. Her campaign soundtrack will now be set to Tears for Fears.

Mob mentality
The Dolphins hired Tony Sparano to be their head coach last week. He immediately started wacking people and lobbying to get a cement shoe deal.

Adam “Pacman” Jones is up to his old antics (someone didn’t make a New Year’s Resolution), this time striking a women at an Atlanta gentlemen’s club. Pacman needs to learn how to walka-walka-walka away.

Chow down
Titans coach Jeff Fisher had to cast a new line for an offensive coordinator, after he unexpectedly fired Norm Chow. It seems quarterback Vince Young failed to digest Chow’s schemes.

Has Jessica Simpson been a jinx for Tony Romo, who has struggled in his last several outings? The quarterback is acting nonchalant about any connection between their romance and his recent results. As for Simpson, the reason she’s able to attend games is because she’s not acting at all. Simpson has caused Romo to hit more sour notes than her previous beau, Nick Lachey.

The only thing that can stop LeBron James is the Ohio state police. James was ticketed for driving 36 miles over the speed limit in the wee (or maybe “whee”) hours of the morning. His ride, an ‘08 Mercedes, unlike the Cavs, had no problem getting to 101.

Former NBA player Glen Rice was arrested on domestic battery charges following a scenario that sounds like it was scripted by R. Kelly: Rice repeatedly punched a man he found hiding in his estranged wife’s closet. The victim needed nine stiches. The lesson learned from this incident? When Rice boils over, it’s a mess.

A Department of Justice report found that several stings went silent since the FBI has been negligent in paying the phone company for some wiretaps set up. Seems the government agency is tapped out. Quick, somebody wire money to the Foolish Business Instincts.

If they’re New York’s trash, then it’s time to start rooting through the dumpster
A recent report determined that New Jersey has the most millionaires of any state in the U.S. It’s proof that money doesn’t buy class. Finally the Garden State leads the nation is something other than mullets and diners.

She had Fuzzy Zoeller’s blessing
Golf Channel commentator Kelly Tilghman probably wishes she had had a knot in the back of her throat after joking on-air that upcoming players on the PGA tour “should lynch Tiger Woods in a back alley” if they wanted to win. As a golfer at Duke, Tilghman trained under Coach KKK.

Here at CA, we’re all about the randomness. A personal love of mine is random debates, especially ones concerning 80’s characters. With that spirit, we discuss the all important sidekick battle:

vs.

Snarf

Orko

Marc on Snarf:

• He acted as Lion-O’s nanny, raising and protecting him. Though overbearing and at times grating, still a much better nanny than Fran Drescher. Even when Lion-O grew into the unquestioned leader of the Thundercats, thanks to Snarf’s rearing, which included seeing Lion-O through a traumatic long-distance ( i.e. intergalactic) move during childhood, Snarf stayed by his side, to dispense sagely advice. He worries and isn’t afraid to say “I told you so,” making Snarf a father and mother figure all-in-one, thus giving Lion-O a more modern family model. Orko did save a young He-Man and Cringer from death, but Snarf was in charge of Lion-O’s growth, making his commitment greater. Orko is like the semi-deadbeat dad who hangs around and occasionally chips in to take his kid to Chuck E. Cheese, whereas Snarf is the single mom working three jobs to provide for his precious child.
• His name also conveniently serves as his catch phrase, which he sometimes says randomly, but often when he is scared. It’s an all-encompassing word, like dude, meaning nothing, yet everything. What does Orko say? No one can remember. All sidekicks need a solid, overused, nonsensical catch phrase.
• He originated from the Valley of the Snarfs. Who doesn’t love valleys? Orko emerged out of the Tar Swamps. When do good things ever come from swamps? Think of it this way: would you rather have valley girls or swamp gas?
• He has a tail. The Thundercats don’t. You don’t. Orko doesn’t. Jealousy abounds.
• His ribbed belly makes him look like a dragon or a comfy cable-knit sweater, depending on how high you are. Orko looks like the Grim Reaper’s gay cousin.
• His dark red and orange coloring offsets the abundance of blue in Panthro and Lion-O’s costumes. Snarf keeps the color scheme varied. Orko’s outfit, in contrast, clashes severely. His brick red witches hat, magenta cloak, lilac scarf, and light blue hand make him a prime candidate to appear on “What Not to Wear.”
• He keeps the disobedient WilyKit and WilyKat in line without resorting electroshock or waterboarding. Props for that.
• If he were to be referenced in a Kevin Smith movie, Jay would probably refer to him as “Snarf-to-the-motherfuckin’-arf.” Orko, would be called “Dorko.”
• Snarf is a lousy cook. Orko sucks at magic. Which would you rather have as a roommate? At least you can eat burned pasta, but good luck making your desk reappear.
• Both worship muscle-bound, shirt-scarce, sword-wielding men. Orko does have a girlfriend, but it could be a cover. These creatures definitely have hero-worship, dependency, sexual identity issues and, since it was the 80’s, likely nasty coke habits. Thankfully, neither sport new wave haircuts. Call it even.

Will on Orko:

• Let’s get one thing straight. Orko rocks the shit out of Snarf. Orko is from another dimension, another plane of existence if you will. Snarf on the other hand? I’m pretty sure he’s Lion-O’s midget retarded cousin. Either that or he’s incredibly self absorbed (he can’t even finish a sentence without saying his own name five times). But I can’t blame him, as according to Wikipedia, the source for all things useless, his real name is Osbert. Sounds like he should be out selling life insurance.
• If they get in a fight, who’s going to win? Probably a tie. Both are fairly useless. But Orko’s going to pull some crazy magic out his hat that will naturally backfire (as he is the comic relief). Snarf will roll over and surrender, covering his face with his ears. Are we sure he’s from Thundera and not France? Orko will be more entertaining, so the edge to him.
• While a tail is key, it’s not like a monkey’s tail or a dragon’s tail. It’s a stubby little nothing. I bet he got made fun of all the time in the boys locker room in high school. Orko on the other hand can fly (or levitate, really). Clearly superior.
• How about their style. Orko’s got a pimp hat. Give the man a cane and some platform shoes (if he actually walked) and you’d see him telling his girls what time it is. He’s also blue and red. Who else is blue and red? Superman, Mario, Sonic. Snarf on the other hand? Red and yellow. You know who else had red and yellow colors? Communists. That’s right, while Orko is getting into the mix with the best of ‘em, Snarf is busy hating America. And freedom.
• Orko’s got a lady friend at home (at least one, he could have dozens back on his homeworld of Trolla). He knows how to party. Snarf, on the other hand is a pederast. Sure, you’re only “babysitting” wily kit and wily kat.
  
  12 year olds, dude

• Orko’s in the fucking know. Watch the opening credits. Who knows that Adam is, in fact, He-man? You got the Sorceress. You got Man At Arms. And who’s the third? That’s right, it’s Orko. He’s important enough to see through the greatest secret identity costume ever (losing your shirt). You can keep Snarf’s “nursemaid” status. I’m sure that’s a very prestigious honor. Orko will be real jealous when Snarf rolls around with the likes of Mrs. Doubtfire and Mary Poppins.

It was goodbye pot anecdotes, hello drinking stories as Dane Cook broke Dave Chappelle’s Laugh Factory record for a set, going for seven hours or even longer than the after-party at the nearest frathouse Cook undoubtedly attended afterward (sample dialogue: ” ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me’? Awesome song. Even awesomer suggestion — for chicks, bro!”). “Short order” Cook even treated his audience to dinner, making us wonder which was more bland and unoriginal: the jokes or the food?

Ay there’s the rub
Crickey, Australian government officials spent $96,000 of taxpayers’ money on massages last year, a report revealed. Apparently, the expenditures just rolled off their relaxed backs.

God is incredibly disarming. According to televangelist and crackpot Pat Robertson, prayer prevented the nuclear attack he had predicted for ‘07. New slogan to acquire urban evangelicals: worship is da anti-bomb! The modern-day Nostra-damn-us continued to do the Lord’s guesswork when he said God revealed to him who would win the presidency.
Though he’s tight with the savior (we wonder how the man upstairs communicates with Robertson–Gmail? via Blackberry? Do they meet at Starbucks and discuss humanity’s fate over chai?), Robertson apparently fears the wrath of Andy Rooney, saying, “He [God] told me some things about the election, but I’m not going to say because some old man on ‘60 Minutes’ would make fun of me, so I’m not going to tell you who the winner’s going to be.” It could be that Robertson is resentful of Rooney because the cantankerous commentator is a senior with airtime who still has his wits about him.
It’s a bull(shit) market: Robertson also forecast a stock market crash sometime in the next three years (idea: he could start a network that mixes crazy Christianity with broad business projections and call it See-Span), which we’re sure no one on Wall Street is putting much, er, stock in.