The U.S. teen birth rate has risen for the first time in 14 years, a new government report reveals (guess we know what all that titillating texting leads to). Our advice to all the female women out there: stay on the web — and the pill. No one ever got knocked up by the internet (though we heard Tila Tequila contracted herpes through a Myspace message) or reading, for that matter (think of books as knowledge condoms. Magazines are like the rythm method –enjoyable but you’re not learning anything). Here’s our promise to you, ladies: The only thing we’ll try to impregnate you with is laughter — at least until we’re older and wealthier, then we’ll start to sire kids at a rate that would put Travis Henry to shame.
